VANESSA's

jan 17

2012-01-17T20:50:00.000+08:00

the end of the netball journey. such a rocky one that i kept felling.

really horrible day. cried so much i can't feel anything anymore.

so much work more to go.

sec 4 life is mad, so tiring everyday. so much to do, so much to plan ahead of.
so much to catch up, so much to learn.

step by step

im so exhausted.

i could say i wasted my whole holidays last year now. speak of regret.

so lost
so despondent
so fearful

need a lifeline badly
need an explaination
need WISDOM.

so hard to keep trusting on faith on God that his plans are always good when in reality its so so hard. this practical world vs godly truths. its a constant mental battle...

i need a good sleep... a really good one

and start life renewed again.

this actually hurts really pain.

but its ok, with the passing of each day, lessons learnt

a big mountain i've crashed headfront on, time to pick up the pieces and move on

:'(

its ok i get over things fast........

just pretty darn sad for now

turn everything into a smile, the world would seem brighter, somehow

...

...

:')

amazing that i ended this post with a smile....

i have to, life forces me to..

:')

tranquility

2012-01-02T22:14:00.001+08:00

here's 2012.

the year of the big Os!

school starts tomorrow...... its gonna be a long nerve wrecking ride, but as long as my core is Jesus, everything's strong.

:) 2012 hopefully a year of change!

welcoming 2012

2011-12-31T02:06:00.002+08:00

2011 has been a trying year......... in studies, netball and the newly found interest - music.

in fact, the greatest thing i've attained this year was pursuing music. after 6-7 years of learning piano... actually learning music classically, taking proper practical and theory exams! my 1st ever theory exam. and the undying hunger i had to learn more, know more about this subject, or should i say world. defining it as an subject is a severe understatement. its a whole new world, an international language. the overwhelming feeling when i became the audience of an classical concert for the very first time, the crisp beauty of the sounds coming together. i remember it was an cello concerto! maybe that's why i really like the cello now. and from then on, listening to symphony 92.4, attending more classical concerts, widening my eyes, and ears. i remember how i kept trying without giving up for the tests and exams. with questions solely depending on luck, went up to a B3 for the eoys. full marks for the theory sections, almost an A! attending many world music workshops, discovering history and culture. and with probably the best music teacher ever :)

its been a fast year, definately not a good year. but a year to learn from.

2012 is the year of the big O's. time to get prepared!

might not blog as often anymore, its not convenient anymore................

ah anyway gonna enjoy the last day of the year

HAVE FUN EVERYBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >:)

crumbling

2011-12-28T00:40:00.001+08:00

so frustrated.
unappreciated.

effort really dosen't pays off sometimes. im lost.
time flying by, intensity is near.

seemingly nonchalant phrase needs to go.

God, give me an answer.
where do i go from here now.
i'm really...................... lost,

for words, for passion, for purpose and for life.

mentally tired and weary. something's wrong. this hurts really bad. how do i suppress it,

a holiday now would be a miracle.

sigh.

cry.

just how many times do i have to get through this.

WHY?!

crumbling dying faith in everything...

a revelation, please.

im hoping, with the last bit of faith.

xx

dying under pressure

2011-11-30T20:42:00.001+08:00

pressure. pressure. pressure.

this is worst than school, feel my joy for the holidays :(
training's really sucking all the energy outta me, mentally and physically. going back in the heavy rain on monday to shoot....... alone sigh :( and then finally when all my shots are going in perfectly, i don't play shooter the next training. seems like all my effort has gone to waste. every single day has to pass with me doing my shots... the thing is, i really don't mind doing it... but thing is, what for? when prolly i won't be the main shooter or wtv. this mental torture is killing me..... esp when i have alot of things to do... and then i have the dilemma of to shoot or not to shoot. really hate it how im so good on one training and when i don't get to play consistently for the next and get put out, my confidence level really drops and everything goes down. even the mood of the next training... plus not to mention sleepless nights. training is intense, mentally torturing.......... just gotta grit my teeth through it and emerge winning!

been rather long since i've blogged... cos i've been spending every single day wisely now. so much to do... plus i won't be going anywhere for the holidays, esp when i kinda need one right now. i want to get away so bad. someone far and foreign..... this stress here is killing me. its supposed to be the holidays. so much to do.. 2 major music exams next year! plus its the o level year and currently im failing all my math and sciences which is like 3 subjects! im terrified yes, fighting for good results. i can't slack anymore like this year in studies, this is the real deal now. so much to catch up... where am i gonna find the time to practise for accompaniment for music? and since i'm gonna take higher music.. i really need all the practise time i can get! people take 2 years to go for grade 8, i'm using less than a year and with so many commitments... im hoping i can do it. cos i don't want a merit or pass, i want a distinction. its only been like a few months since i've really made myself play classically with all the right techniques.. and its taking me alot of patience but i'm glad im on my way there.

sigh no one really understands.... im really not slacking or anything anymore... i study on days when there are no trainings... practise the piano properly everyday... and shoot everyday. im not really having fun, im stressed. so much to do.... so much more scales to memorise... and getting the right touch and style for my pieces.. and the sticking to the fingerings URGH. not to mention learning a whole year worth of chem, and memorising for bio, and practising for emath.

i see all my classmates and friends enjoying themselves during the holidays... and sigh i see myself slogging everyday to complete what i need to do. why train so hard? to get fit? or does what medal really counts? i don't know i think i've lost my purpose. prolly 10 years later i'll look back and laugh at myself. i came in through DSA so its only right that i train and play for the school. passion? maybe slightly. i love the game.. but i really hate it when im demoralise, even in the slightest! imagine doing a whole day of shots, and in the game it all dosen't gets in and you get scolded. sigh.

everyone's blogging about stuff like fashion and stuff they have been up do.. but my schedule's been really dry.. always the usual stuff! so carefree and like sleeping in every morning, watching shows....... i also wanna. it really scares me when i see how time flies in a day...

but i believe my all my effort will pay off, i will be a better person!

if i have a wish right now.............. i wish that i could have a day off to go somewhere anywhere but in sg most likely ( cos i have to come back for trainings so i can't go overseas) and have a total eventful surprising day! lose contact with so many people now but its ok, i just need those that really matters....... and no more time for games anyway. not even a starter cos i need to take charge of my life now..

im still surviving :)

confidence

2011-11-16T23:53:00.001+08:00

i can do this.
just have to overcome this phobia.
this deadly sinking feeling of getting badly injured and the aftereffects.
the price i have to pay.
its worth.
at least for now.

about 1 more month to my final season at AHS.
forget all the past setbacks, its time to put it all behind, and shine.
even it means learning everything from scratch.
putting down all my pride as a DSA.

have gotten over the self esteem and pride part,
its just the confidence and physical part i need to work on now.

ok should prolly sleep soon, friendly in the morning with cresent girls tmrrrrrrrrrrr :)

nitexx world

xx

p.s// there's just this thing about late night runs with the cold wind brushing past you... the adrenaline and doing shots in the night with citylights and the starts. freshens me up all over again <3

illusion confusion

2011-11-13T02:09:00.001+08:00

Today is my resting day after a long week.... Last week was mad.. So many plans cramped everywhere plus o level chinese..

Was supposed to go to mbs to swim today but sigh it was raining :/ so plans today i did was to catch up on sleep... Watch a movie.. Catch up on all the xfactor i missed and practising the piano....

Woke up in the morning and realised that my sis is away for camp till monday! Sigh means i have to sleep alone now... As much as i would want my own room, i dun like to sleep alone haha oxymoron much.

Ok so the holidays are here! But it aint gonna be much fun for me.. In fact the toughest moments are here. Need to endure the mental pressure of preseason trainings. Cos practically my brain decides if i would perform. Sigh

Sometimes people change... And u really dun know who they are anymore.

K im tireddd shall blog another time.... Need to go for a good run soon.... Training isnt enough.

Xx

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reality

2011-11-07T23:43:00.001+08:00

need to keep my feet on the ground.
keep my feelings in check.
set my priorities right.
restore relations with my parents.
count every cent i spent.
prepare for school.
realise that chinese O levels is on thurs and i haven't really started.
sigh.
i need a sip of reality.

its so mundane now i can hardly feel the hype for anything.
i need to start playing the piano classically if i want to score well for grade 8 next year since its a risk.
i need to study chem for the holidays and scrape that f9.
and emath.
and memorise bio.
i need to train harder and harder.
i have so much that i actually need to do to live.
but im here with my head high above the clouds, my feelings free,
burdening myself with confusion of all sorts, that silly thing called growing up maybe
okay to put it bluntly, relationships with the opposite sex.
how........ lame.

time to keep myself in check,
to live.

xx

criticism

2011-11-01T21:21:00.003+08:00

you know i really don't know why but i got rather bothered by a passing comment today... or rather i was pissed.

apparently it was a comment about how the recent piano + drums cover i did on canon. well she said that my piano wasn't in beat with the music. i just nodded my head in mere agreement... but after sitting down and thinking about it, i was rather pissed. I mean like.......... i thought it was alright, and who was she to comment? could she have done better? does she even know what she's saying? yeah i know she's a pianist as well.... if i'm not wrong, the usual staunch pianists everywhere. prolly those who only play their abrsm pieces religiously. not that i'm much better or of a much higher skill, but really...... its quite irritating to hear comments from people who don't know what they're commenting about. comment fine, do it better than me. I'll respect you. In that case, the drums was following me, it was an IMPROVISATION. everything was played at the spur of the moment with no rehearsing beforehand, cut some slack. same goes for the singing... perhaps before you laugh, think if you could do better, even though i buay paiseh but dosen't mean that i sing to make a fool outta myself thanks. i agreed i could have done better for both, but i don't think it was worth the critisicm. This, is prolly due to the fact that i take great pride in my music creations.

I'm not angry....... i'm just rather bothered. So easy to pass a simple criticism, so easy. if it was advice i would have taken it differently.

this shall also be an advice to me.... ADVISE, NOT CRITICIZE.

music keeps me aniticipated

2011-10-27T18:35:00.001+08:00

I HAVE THE BEST MUSIC TEACHERS IN THE WORLD <3

next time im gonna be someone like that.. like ms tay or mrs sng!!! just came back from a short impromptu session at ms tay's and wahhhh wasn't expecting her to go thru like really everything! just needed some help on my transposing and thought i'll be there for awhile but who knows......... such dedication! plus you know music fees are getting higher and higher but nope, not everything is for money cos lessons with her are always extended and i always forget to pay her!

its like i walked out of her door with her wishing me goodluck and all smiling like an idiot... but im beaming with happiness and confidence! for the one and only grade 5 theory that i'm taking this sat. plus the smart me didn't even touch theory for like the whole year hahahaha all my fault. im gonna ace that paper, im sure of it.

such teachers really inspires me.... the love to spread the subject... if i can, i would do that in future!
been watching nodame cantabile........ and omg i love it <3 its like watching with so much meaning and not the usual love dramas hahaha. love how classical music still prevails in modern society.. & though i used to complain all the time last time that classical music was boring but now i actually really enjoy it! its like so much more depth to meaning to the current rock songs. who takes 20 years to finish writing a song anyway! but brahms did...... for his first symphony hahah how much more cooler is that xD

humans have emotions.. everything boils down to emotions. history was formed through acts of people engulfed by their emotions. i really love music. period.

its this wanting and desire to do better, to aim higher, to be a better performer, a better music student to step into that mystic rich glorious world of classical music.

but right now, i really hope mrs sng recovers quick from her pregnancy...cos i really want her approval for higher music cos i know i can. my overall results for the year didn't hit an A though since i've failed alot in term 1 but its normal cos i hardly fail now anymore... been gettting better and better at this now >:)

i really love this world currenly. but i know i have another to face. the sporting world. passion is really running low and that one. i like freedom. there's no freedom now in netball. everything's fixed. nothing is ever right. i really missed playing netball. i train on my fitness only to get crushed again. there's so much disappointment there that i haven't gotten over. i look over the fence at other schools training with due discipline and joy, and honors, and i long to go over.

guess this is how life now is for me :)
but i still love sports. i love netball. i love music. i love classical and almost all genres. i love the piano.

but one dream is.... i really hope to play in an orchestra someday.. but that's almost impossible since i'm not good and skilled enough for a piano concerto.. who would even hire me anw?! and yeah i don't play any orchestral instruments...im just like any other girl that knows how to play the piano... did i mention how there's too many people playing the piano?!?!?! too much competition but nonetheless, still a beautiful instrument <3 if i could, i would learn the oboe, and the cello! <3

okay back to my nodame cantabile now............

xx

listening to chinese songs brings back memories, memories that can never be retrieved or replayed. nostalgic.

2011-10-26T01:17:00.000+08:00

being me

2011-10-22T23:47:00.001+08:00

ahh didn't regret waking up early for saturday training today...
ran for like 5km + for warmup cos it was fitness trng and ms hew felt like running so tadahh everyone runs with her! felt really good compared to the usual 6 rounds of hill haha. endurance but it felt really good!!!
okay the bad side is my muscle ache wasn't gone before training and after today's session omg my thighs felt like they were on fire... still can't walk properly and with swag now hahahaha k just jkkkk

okkkk so yeah wanted to go to city area in the evening time but guessssss i was too lazy plus its hard to walk fast so yeah hahaa

sigh i guess everybody now is trying to find love, discover love, experience love. and ironically, blinded by love. till the point where everything seems to be a foolish joke, a facade. and its really rather.... pathetic.

ok so i've gotten back all my results.... really sad and disappointed with chem, bio and emath and chinese. failed the main paper of those, but passed chinese overall. chem was like a slap to my face... 18.5/100 just washed all my hardwork down the drain. never failed to this extent before.... and bio was just short of 3 marks but i thought it was rather and improvement from my previous tests... though i really wished i've passed. esp when i have such an amazing teacher :) e.math was just............ sigh 21/80 could have done a lil better but not enough to pass.... so... f9 for chem and emath for the year. i kind of deserve it anw.. i don't even dare to look at mr lim in the eye now.. feel so.. sigh. history was below expectations, got a 68 which is a B3 thx to my sbq urghhhh i wanted an A1!!!! SS was A1 but i wanted a higher one... rushed through an essay which costed me 6 marks! english was rather okkk since i've been rather slack this year... not handing in alot of graded stuff and writing about only 2 essays for the year excluding exams haha so everything was pretty much my first time writing! could have done better but was still an A2 in the end... music was gooooood haha B3 improved leaps and bounds from the start of the year man! now i wished i've done my composing part properly cos its gonna drag down my final marks to B4 :( i could have gotten an A2 if i was lucky actually!!!! but its ok hahaa. okay so now literature. this is the BEST i swear. cos usually lit lessons will be like stoning sleeping periods cos mrs yeo is the naggiest teacher ever, mark my words hahaha. and truthfully, i haven't learnt a single thing to go about lit for the year. so its pretty much of wasting 1 year of lit education hahaa. but amazingly i got an A1 for lit despite reading finish chapt 11 of the crysalids only 5 mins before the paper ahhaha pro or not. did passage based.. mrs yeo gave me 20/25 for the first essay and 10 for the next cos i diddn't know what happened in the book at all hahaha so just invented stuff hehe. and the unseen was much better than i expected man! like 23/25 whooohooooo! i'm pretty much amazed.. plus the marker was mrs sally lai hahha okay enough of results hahaa my l1r5 is 22 though! and class position 17 despite the f9s... 3L needs to work harder!

ok im really bored and i can't sleep thats why i blogged so much today but guess im bored now even
so kkk
nitex everybodyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;)

xx

hey world

2011-10-19T02:16:00.001+08:00

hey blog... so its been quite sometime now! its 1.52 AM and i don't feel sleepy cos i slept so much in the afternoon to pay off my sleep debt hahaa.

so i'm rather proud of myself that i been to sch for all 3 days of the mini olympics. took part in badminton but didn't win ahha its ok. was the emcee today for the prize presentation together with qingyi and had fun leading the cheer for the competition. welll since it was the last year so yah ahhaa.

the year is ending sooon, sigh. gonna receive results soon and i really hope i don't disappoint my teachers most importantly, myself and my parents i guess.

im so unsure of myself sometimes. in like every aspect... dosen't take alot to be friends with me but to really read my mind, that's quite abit of a challenge i think haha.

if i know that i will achieve the best if i put in my very best work and dedication.. then why am i not doing it?
for studies, i should just get over the stigma of being like a dsa student and just show everyone that i can do it. for netball prolly i have to get over myself. past victories past failures. maybe relearn everything from scratch. passion has reached rock bottom when its during training. but when outside, i can soar anyhow i want. its just the environment and im stressing continously and its just the people around. not that i do not like them or anything personally but its just when its training, everyone changes, to impress.

its quite funny how sometimes u see the ugly side of human nature. sure, who dosen't gossip and badmouth once in awhile? sigh guess we don't have mutual trust, and constantly the need for popularity perhaps? i'd rather walk away. these things don't matter anymore. stuff are quite complicated but its okay, tides will change. really can't wait to graduate from sec sch. i want a new change of life. guess i really dislike routines. i like adventures and twists and anything possible. think i've said it a thousand times now.

music or higher music? its a dedication and commitment ultimately.... im seeing my old self reflecting in music. constantly striving for better and better and seeing my results improve by leaps and bounds. but should i take the even higher step? i'm still down by a grade for the requirements but i'm really quite interested since music is my fav subjects besides history and ss hahaha ok its one of my fav subjects! decisions decisions.

immmma lonely girl this year. that's the truth. close friends? i dare not. once bitten twice shy. nothing this year so far, nothing big :)

people need to stop looking down on me.
i need to stop looking down on myself.
i should not relent and give in that much sometimes
i dun believe in superiority, but humanity

everything i know will pass
cos im just clay
& God's just molding me for something greater, something bigger
this may be a trying year, a dry year
but as long i don't stop believing
it's all gonna be alright in the end.

i think too much about things sometimes. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

its just one of the nights again, when you reflect and decide to blog out some thoughts..

bye blog

xx

dreams stay as dreams

2011-10-12T19:55:00.000+08:00

1.43

2011-10-07T01:46:00.001+08:00

Sigh its so late now and i finally finished chem. Last minute studying. But im gonna try my best and not give up.

Worship really calms and helps.

After a year and with tmr being the lit exam, im only still halfway through with the book. Im gonna change.

For all the people that believed in.me, esp my parents... This eoy shall teach me a lesson to do better for sec 4 next year!

2 more papers to the weekends... Go me!

Thank you for the peace :)

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....

2011-10-01T00:19:00.001+08:00

Maybe i should just retain this way my social life would change. Although im happy most of the time in the day... Madly hyperactive and all. But deep down im sick of it of all the crap.

No u dun call me and rant all u want and then just end the call when u feel like it. Peharps this friendship only concerns only u and u alone. Even just a gentle question to ask u if u would mind to study with me for awhile uould just turn me straight down with a no. I thought friends were supposed to care for each other. Yah u said i could ask u stuff if i dun know. Yah I did sms u and all u did was to reply 3 hours later without answering the question. And then even asked me why i took so long to reply ur questions all the time. Is this how it works all the time? U probably wont give a damn if i really retain anw. Its not impossible. In this competitive class u r in. Its no wonder that self centerness has became so strong in u now. And the worst thing is... I thought u were one of my best friends. Guess i was wrong. Im just there for u to have fun with. Call when u are feeling bored and than just put down the phone like a boss. Thats all. Guess what. I dont want this anymore. I have enough. Period.

Thing is, i dun want to be a burden. I dun need others to feel oblighed to help me or to sympathise me. I appreciate true concern and help probably as good friends thats all.

It is my own fault that i did not study well but im just sad to know that the people that i mix with everyday would not even bother out of true concern but instead out of obligation. I feel so damn pathetic.

Do u know how it feels to fight a losing battle all by yourself. Do u know the feeling of dispair and constant failure? Do u know how it feels to feel so insignificant and taken for as a joke.

No u really really dont.

Im still gonna work hard though. Myself. Thing is. I can already foresee the outcome the results. Been thinking of purposely failing my english to retain. Whats the point anw. Sch is just too complicated.

Somebody tell me. Why do i feel so hurt. Why am i actually crying while typing this on my phone. Why the strong surge of hurt.

Just more demoralised as the days goes. I really shouldnt be so affected by friends. Afterall. You live for yourself. Im gonna learn to be much more selfish than now. Theres really no point being selfless sometimes.

Nobody can really be trusted. Thats all. This is tough but after facing this heck of a strong battle. Im not gonna let myself feel this way ever again. Things are not going to be the same anymore.

Friendship has just lose its genuinity. I really get it now.

One day. If u put yourself in my shoes. Peharps u will know this ultimate feeling of betrayal and how it really kills.

Xx

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inspirational

2011-09-28T23:19:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_FlsRC0YP8&feature=related

really can't embed this video here but omg totally teared while watching this.
really lives to up the saying : true music is not seen, but its heard from the ears and felt by the heart.
but no, this world is too cruel, to slam her just based on her looks and that she's obese. How very sad.
Its really like you can feel her life story through her singing.

the best songs are brought out by real emotions through real experiences..........

same for this

watching dreams come true... watching the happiness radiates through people touched by the simple song.
i wonder............. what's my dream now.

i know i'm doing things differently now, really studying. i really can do this.
i'm getting more and more not so sociable but its okay its good to be quiet and alone sometimes actually

** this is the first time i actually felt something so strong for someone... okay maybe not really really the first but sigh i know it myself. hahahhaa sounds so naive and dumb. but you know what? i'm gonna stop and end it all here. look at the timing, so wrong. how about going da capo all the way back to the start. and than fine at the right parts now. if this was a sonata i'll stop at the exposition part. no development no recapitulation no coda. cos i know i'm heading too far, playing with fire yet again... but it really feels so different with you, i'm sorry if i ignore u, but okay i admit i have feelings...ok for you yes. ok im being very open yet again but urgh, i want it to end. it has to end soon anw, reality is gonna end it. perhaps sooner or later, i won't even see you anymore. School will probably lose that bit of excitement now. Its ok i'm gonna focus on the right stuff. Easier said than done. I feel numb anw, probably used to it. You open me up to a whole new world but i'm slowly walking out now....... closing the door behind me. Hurts quite a little, but nvm i'll find someone like you :) i wish nothing but the best for you. sorry? hahaha was good while it lasted. everything fades with time. so long i don't see you anymore and your rare smile hahahha, i'll just let it fade as a memory. this sounds sad, but its ok i trust in God. im sorry i went too far, and now i'll fallen.......... for you. even though i really don't want. sigh this sounds so childish and stupid. this is the first time in the abstinence year that i've felt something...out of everybody i've known, guess something striked.

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start though I can't finish but will complete

its quite tiring sometimes. This year, its been mostly Me and God and being independent.
For a really people person, i feel lonely among everybody.
cos when something happens, i'll just face it alone.
just being used for fun and laughter, thrown around after that.
superficial.

im working hard for myself, for the people who genuinely care.
cos i know if i fail or have to take combined science or retain if my english decides to surprise me,
its won't be much of a difference to most at school.
too many politics.
yes im quite hurt, by my closest friends. i do not live to please you all the time.
maybe i expect too much.
that's why i'm keeping a distance.
tension.

We were all made by love, with love, to love.

keep the love and smiles going vanessa, make a difference!

xx

standing up strong

2011-09-28T01:45:00.001+08:00

This time when i try again.... Im gonna put in more effort, more hardwork and most importanly, run with God.

Its been a rather bad day emotionally. Failure never seem so surreal.

Gonna sleep with a smile tonight cos i know im still worth more than these :)

Xx

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in love

2011-09-27T08:32:00.001+08:00

PENGUINS

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firm on the ground

2011-09-24T02:44:00.001+08:00

Am i mad... These few days hahaha so ermmm love bugged. Yup is there such a word hahaha

The fact is true that u r probably the first that is on the highest point of my ladder in this year :)

Ok no more thinking... Its not like i would do anything about it anw hahah. Its 2.41 am now im sleepyy alr hahaha gotta wake up early for oral in sch tmrw!!!

And flb is tmr!! Sigh likkkkka pie everyone's studying :(

Ok nvm ahhh need to go for a run soon!!! Keep fit keep fit!!!

Ok nitexxxxxx :-*

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2011-09-23T17:09:00.001+08:00

I've never ever liked someone this much who cared. U are really my type :)

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12.15

2011-09-22T00:38:00.004+08:00

reason why i don't really believe in myself is cos failure hit me hard. at first was cos of my lack of effort but after sometime i know things weren't the same anymore. even if i put in effort, things are not necessarily turn positive.

you know the feeling of utter disappointment. the feeling when you spent your whole night during your math textbook on a chapt that's gonna be tested the next day, finishing the test feeling rather confident that probably you'll achieve a pass this time round, giving your supportive teacher a confident smile... but when 2 days later, you know you've failed the test, yet again. someone tell me what is wrong pls. worst is when you have extremely caring teachers... that even sms you to encourage you, that ask you to sms them if u run into any problems. like reallyyy its cos of their trust in me despite for all the stunts i'll pull that i'll do a test locked in a classroom without cheating. Its like, the more the teacher trusts me, no matter how bad I am at the subject, I still will not cheat. And if you know me, cheating is like natural to me... its like a habit esp when i run into difficulties. sigh, what a bad one. i need my integrity and im happy that im slowly kicking it away. I really hate to see the look of disappointment on the teacher's faces when i've failed yet again. It really sucks you know, that feeling.

Chinese. Bio. Emath. Chem.
4/8 subjects that i should stop failing.. so badly.

perhaps its also cos of this i turn to 11.11 wishes and whats not... anything to spark up that small gleam of hope within me again. I pray every night, i am studying more and more now but results still don't show, i'm demoralised. & im not the type to go for tuition, been there, tried that. Supportive friends? yeah always there but there's still a limit to what they can do.. rest is still up to yours truly.

Eoy music practical exam tmrw. I know I've practised hard for this. I'm not expecting much though.. Past has shown that the effort I put in dosen't always reap. Peharps all the months of practising would just give me a C again. I'm rather demoralised now. Idk why but i just felt angry with jz just now. keep giving me the lame face. ok i know im lame and irritating at times, and usuallly living high above in my clouds cos reality is harsh but stillllllllll. I don't want others to have expectations of me anymore. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Expectations begets disappointments. for now. how am i going to play my pieces well tomorrow :( i must trust my fingers... but its so hard when i've been failing at almost everything. jz says A for practical? i just need to do my best.

&..................
i guess time really heals everything. let this year quickly come to an end. let sec 3 be a dream. i wanna wake up soon. I don't want to get so emotionally close to anyone anymore. yes im scared. im tired. i don't want. but sometimes feelings really cannot be helped. so stop leading me on. i will stop as well. its really not the right time. im like playing with fire yet again... when do i ever learn. ignore? idk, just smile through it all i guess.

am i too shallow? or am i really as good as what you thought of me to be?

i don't know. I don't dare to dream anymore. I don't dare to hope much.

2 more tests and oral exam and the week is gonna be done! i'm halfway through it already!!! tiring but its ok,
SMILE THROUGH IT ALL.

i just need that firm word of encouragement again, forgive me for my childishness or whatever, piano just seems to have more life in it whenever i watch u play, that's why you inspire me. Guess i'll just have to face it and confidence.

so much thoughts today. Im actually pretty sad to admit. must be due to the yiruma's im listening to now, or maybe cos i miss C or maybe its cos i haven't blogged so freely on the laptop for a long time.

PRAY. HOPE. LOVE.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, RIGHT? :)
hopefully.
xx

Distractions

2011-09-21T00:20:00.001+08:00

Today shall be the last night that i'll let my mind wander. Really got no time for all these... Needa aviod and draw the line before things get way too comfortable. Sigh. So hard but necessary. Really is the worst time now....i

Okay chem spa tmrw plus emath retest.. Thought i would pass the recent test cos i studied hard for it but guess i let mr lim down again. Why vanessa. Just keep trying i guess.

Nights alone like this makes me think... Of what i am now and what i was before. But knowing that some people will be with me throughout makes me blessed and happy :)

Expectations usually leads to disappointments for me. I need to break out of that mentality right now.

On a lighter note... Did i tell u all that i promised jz to get A for music practical. I think i can sense where this is gonna head to but its okay... As long as i do my best :)

But really.... I dun know what will keep me going if i still keep failing at stufff that im not good in but essential....

Pray, probably... Nope definately!!!

Be happy be happy be happy

Xx

Wwjd

posted from Bloggeroid

Recovering

2011-09-20T00:12:00.001+08:00

Sigh my phone 3g is down again.... How very irritating!!! This is gonna be a mad week but sigh gonna get it do and done with. Started studying these few days.. Too much to catch up on.... o level chem spa on wed. eoy music practical on thurs. eng oral and sat. bio test on thurs. chinese test on friday. and ohhh ever since i fell sick i havent ran at all omg my fitness is gonnna die. its like at rock bottom now i think sigh all the trainings gone. sucks to be sick. of tmrw take ht and weight wahhhh i dun wanna think about it.... been about a week without proper running....miss the adrenaline already haha.

3L has been so complicated. tension everywhere. so many conflicts popping outta nowhere. its hard to stay neutral sometimes and not being part of any particular clique. but sigh i really want the class to bond. afteralll i mean we are still gonna spent this mad 2 years tgtttt right!!

ok im gonna take my med and go to sleep noww

on a sidenote, i really miss C. like in a good friend way. where have u been u noob. so many things i wanna tell u!!!!! urgh k sigh k nvmz.

missed church last sunday cos i was sick.... when i needed strength summore ahaha. but its ok i was really touched by some people who i knew really cared and pray for me :) :) :) and yupppp like what jz said.... focus on the small stuff first sometimes when the big picture is scary. a step at a time. and kevinnnnnn yes just focus on getting well soon.

live for God and not for man.
for when im weak that's when you are strong!!! :) :) :)

its monday. 5 more days!!!

posted from Bloggeroid

Fever

2011-09-17T19:38:00.001+08:00

I feel horrible :( im still sore for not being able to visit h&m and flea today :(

Sucks ah. Its 7plus now and i feel like going to sleep alr. No appetite at all mannn.

But u know whats really horrible. Sometimes when u talk to someone too much and a day without talking feels uncomplete. Whats bad is the feelings. Sigh everything must stay platonic. MUST.

On a sidenote, i really miss talking to C. Its been so long. Wonder how is he doing. Why cant he be in sg!!!! Sigh ok nvmz.

Currently feeling very drowsy... Moodless and unaccomplished. So many things i wannnna do. Why must fall sick!?!?!?

posted from Bloggeroid

Tired

2011-09-16T00:46:00.001+08:00

Its been a really long day...... Im drained. Everythings going too fast. But im not taking the pessenger seat. Im at the drivers seat trying my best to catch up. Disappointment sure hops in but its ok its ok

My eyes r closing now

Nitex
Zz
Xx

posted from Bloggeroid

Wisedom

2011-09-12T00:24:00.001+08:00

For when im weak, thats when You are strong.

I cant explain. Smth's different. Empowering yet fragile. Such love. All i know is i wanna live like this each day. With my best friend.

Im not psycho but idk why blogging here has always been about my faith now. And... Its not all the time u worship with a friend out of church :) yesss S u r appreciatedd ahhaha.

Term 4 starts. Flipped the bible randomly just now and the got somewhere in luke on wisedom. Guess its all on wisedom this term. Vanessaaaa, you are gonna be different and better this term!!!

Hope this stays.....

Smile everybody! :)

Xx

posted from Bloggeroid

Hs

2011-09-10T22:41:00.001+08:00

Can be counted as reignited again. Salvations to keep coming....

I think i fell in love all over again. No longer dry or empty. Gonna sleep smiling tonight cos im truly happy : )

Blessings everywhere. Make the world a better place with Christ at the very core of all!

And here comes courage. Rising. And perhaps with willpower all bundled : )

Xx

posted from Bloggeroid

Mixture

2011-09-09T23:37:00.001+08:00

Somehow shopping isnt as satisfying as before..

Lying in bed now typing on my phone.. Plugged into hillsongs. Ohyeah training tomorrow morning.

Kinda awaiting the conference at bc tmrw. I want to feel God. I want to get ignited again. I want change.

My fitness is like nothing now. Theres something wrong. Went for a run just now and i feel so tired running about just 100 metres. Whats wrong. This is really bad. How can it drop till like this..... +1 to my failing life.

Hah so i went back to sch for emath tday clueless abt whts going on.... Cos it was a continuation of mondays lesson which i ttly did not know about. Even mr lim jokingly said that my presence was unappreciated. I mean i tried right... I care abouy emath thts why i woke up damn like 7+ on a friday. But guess nothings accomplished.

And so its friday already. What a failure vanessa. Barely any work done. Its like im so guilty each time when i dun do anything... But yet its so hard. Esp when u hardly have help cos everyone's busy with their own lives. Even the closest of friends. I feel so alone sometimes in this world. Just seems like nobody can be relied on trusted on... No one. Its like everybody.knows your failing damn badly alr and probably dun give a shit for studying but when u know u do... Everybody just says ok and watch u trying bit by bit and probably when the tough overides the going, watch u retain. Thats all. So betrayed.sometimes. Indepedence. Its so hard cos when u try to study like finally. U stop every 5 minutes wondering why os this eqn or wtv this way. Talk about demoralising oneself. So hard to move on.

Ok shall just stop brooding over it. What is friendship really. Reality keeps striking me hard these days. Just have fun with them. And when all the shit piles. Deal with it yourself and rely on yourself. And probably God.

Im just hurt. Angry. Disappointed. With myself probably.

Why. Really. Why.

God,hold. Me. Now
Everything back at sq 1.

Fix up that inverted smile once more. Let optimism flow.

Cos i cant hold on any longer. Really crushed this time.

Xx

posted from Bloggeroid

Depression

2011-09-08T13:30:00.001+08:00

I think i really grew up. My grandparents are at my house now tgt with me and my bro... As usual my gramps tried to give me money... Like a huge sum summore! This time i persistent in refusing. Last time i would refuse.. They insist.. I got tempted and i took. I know them giving me money is like an act of love and it puzzles them on why i refuse but i hope they realise that they need the money more than me actually. They live on savings.now since they do not work. And its only right that i shouldnt add on to their expenses. Proud of myself.

Anw its been a few gloomy days for me. So much thoughts in my head. No matter how much i try to study.. I still fail. And somehow im taking too many things in my own hands.. Doing what i think is right.. This aint the best way to go...

I need a closure of everything thats been bugging me. A clear head. A will to study. And everything thats important.

Shall get on with the day.. I guess. Peharps some shopping later as well. Sounds good!

posted from Bloggeroid

Escape

2011-09-07T18:39:00.001+08:00

I wanna move out of this current lifestyle so bad. I wanna move to the states or uk Anywhere with a slower pace of life. Lesser competition. I really dun like now. I.feel so useless so hopeless and trying to complete sg education plan fast. Peharps after jc i wanna further my studies somewhere else. Its madness here in this competitive society. This feeling of hopelessness urgh.
J
Its either im really lazy, or im sick of netball. Not really the game.. But rather the surroundings. So much discipline instilled till everything feels like going through an army camp. Wheres the love and enjoying the sport. Probably at the back of everybody's mind or none at all. The main aim of every session is to please coach, outdo your teamates to fight for that place, trying to gain leadership in every possible aspect. Such tough love for netball then. U hardly see anyone smiling or encouraging anyone now. How sad. Effort begets the passion and love for the sport and for your teamates. Where do we begin with now.

I should stop complaining... Sigh. Something about having too much competiton everywhere has certainly done something to me. Im losing everything.

posted from Bloggeroid

rainy days are nostalgic days

2011-08-30T21:45:00.001+08:00

those memories really sting, so familiar yet so distant.

time, really works wonders.

independence has yet became a form of loneliness.

semi accomplished

2011-08-30T02:10:00.002+08:00

hard truth/confession/reality : i have not touched any work since last thursday.

4 days flew passed already. sigh.

spent 3 hours tonight packing my super messy table ahhaah! maybe jolene and junhong would know how messy was my table when they came over last time haaha its really CMIx10000 like takes you 3 hours to find a pin that kind hahaa.

i'm so proud of myself hahaha proud that i decided to just........ clean up the mess i've made over the few months. at first i wanted to get some work done, and just heck the mess but guess i really couldn't stand it anymore. i'm really a messy personnn as in really really messy.

listening to some chinese christian songs at 2.14AM into the night is really...... calming yet refreshing.

tomorrow will be a useful and good day!!!!! studying with D and cell dinner at nighttttttttttt ;)

a neater table actually gives me more motivation to study now ahhaa!

its such a simple blessing, to be able to just strum along to the guitar and worship, give praise.

ohyeah i bought and random pencil case and decorated it haaha looks not bad! very vanessa-ish hahaa.

i'm thankful for my mom, for the sacrifices she made.

i'm sorry i can't be a better example to my sister.

i'm sorry i can't be a good enough elder sister.. people always think i'm the only child, well once i was.

i'm glad for my dad.

i want to be a better person :)

you know sometimes when i have the motivation, the urge blahblah it'll soon fade... even when i know i must live for God, to have purpose... but i'm still human i can't take my eyes off what's on earth, temptations, everything.

you know people never actually thought i'm a christian or whatever cos i'm not very evangelistic and not very holy....? but after they read my blog then bammmm they realise that i'm quite religious afterall hahaa. its a faith embedded deep within me already i guess, since young, saying grace before you eat... praying every night b4 sleeping... going to sunday school... & just so you know haha i've been in a christian school all my life, even playgroup at the age of 2, if i'm not wrong!!

probably is cos i only blog when i feel the urge to hahaa, usually its late at night when its really quiet and i'm the only one awake... so what i blog dosen't really seem to be me i know right hahaa.

i feel so empty sometimes........... yet so blessed and happy, grateful.

despite sometimes i think it really suxs to be me, but im thankful for being able to do sports and music, and studies. hahaa and i daresay i've been through some mad times, which i believe someday, will serve as a testimony - to use my life to impact others.

I need to prove myself again. In everything. Tiring but it'll be good in the end : )

hahah im so mature and deep now i think i aged by 50 compared to in the day hehe

k its 2.33AM now going to sleep soon.... looking forward to a useful day of studying and catching up with D hahah!

have a good day ahead everyone!!!!

: )

You make things work together for my good

2011-08-28T01:01:00.002+08:00

Cos i know that at the end of the day,

no matter how far I've strayed,

how i'm desperate that my prayers don't get through,

the amount of setbacks that drags me down,

I know You are there, watching over me.

I don't why, but a faith rather strong, as much as i deny sometimes, i know it down deep down.

just need to find a clear connection, and get rid of all the distractions.

kind of like a girl finding her way out of a maze 5m high.

as i grow older each day, the personal discovery begins, and there comes trails, understanding and finally faith.

ah i only blog mature stuff here hahaha proud proud

luvvvvvvv

2011-08-25T20:05:00.002+08:00

hahahah you make me smile so much sometimes i can die in happinessssss

okay stop haha, back to isolation policy hehe.

okay abit of such dose sometimes won't kill righttttttttt

wo hao xi huan ni

sometimes only hahha.

okay not really, this is just the small perks of schooling life yessssssssss nothing much hahaa.

: )

k wo bu xi huan le

so much chinese homework to rush out by tonight :/

sigh

okay i must end with a smile

>:)

haha this is my favourite smiley now hehe

sometimes

2011-08-22T23:01:00.002+08:00

its been almost a year....

perhaps sometimes the feeling of letting down someone, or disappointment really kills.

you get what you work for.

just kinda watched this show on about some minority groups in china. really wish that i could go overseas do something like this, experience the laid back life, hearing their life stories. reaching out to them, spread the word of God, touching their lives and doing good. I wanna know humanity in this earth.

hahaha so abstract but rather cool as well. life is so different all around the world!

i wanna break outta this depressing circle so bad,

keep going vanessa!

trigoooooooooooooo im coming! really need a tutor already i guesssssssss

Childish

2011-08-15T20:51:00.001+08:00

Kkkkk i admit im jealoussssss :( smth wrong mann i shouldnt be. Urghhh but there's really nothing going on so there shouldnt be anythinggg but why :/ aiyah a few more months then totally no more already so just enjoy the school days and just have fun!!! Yeah and if that wont leave me smiling and feeling happy even more everytime... I think i'll miss it but nvm part an parcel of life... Only 15 its ok right!!!! Everything has a purpose anyway. Sometimes i wanna talk to u so badly... Wanna confide in u so badly... Yet i ignore u sometimes. Whats wrong with meeeee!!! Wah really no courage at all... But then again.. I wont ever be good enough, pretty enough as other girls... Omg low confidence moment... As much as im not so girly likka boy but sometimes i feel the way like all the other girls do too kkkkkkkk :/ okay this is really quite funny hahah im smiling as i type this... Wonder if you'll ever know all this one day hahah embarrassing much.

Okkkkk i cant wait to bathe now and study for my 3 tests tmrrr! Cant believe im eggcited to study after so longggggg : ) haha

P.s/// i really miss u but im not let it affect me cos i know u wouldnt want me to : )

Thoughts

2011-08-10T21:57:00.001+08:00

Just lying here on my comfy bed.... Typing away on phone. My 3g is still down so i only have wifi... Its been mad fun since last friday man. Havent even thought about sch at all. Im so behind syllabus totally.... Still no real motovation for studying.... I just keep having more fun each day.... Trying to catch the last bus home almost everyday is not cool. Sigh i feel so useless now.. 2.4 run tmrw hahhaa good show to see everyone running for their pride and face. Finally harry potter with yani today. Im just tireddd i guess. Cant expect myself to be cheerful all the time. Maybe i am really too noisy sometimes maybe i should not have such high hopes maybe i should not be so tolerant. Maybe i should stop complaining and do something productive. So much work that i promised the teachers that i would hand in tomorow and tests tmr but i havent studied mannn. Aint really looking forward to sch..... Same old people that i face all the time.... Not really anyone in 3L that i know that i can really connect with. I feel sorry for my parents for having me man. Maybe with other obedient kids they would just study hard and give them so much problems.... Then they wont have to nag at me and i wont have to quarrell with them so much.....

Really appreciate my church friends sometimes : ) considering we grew up together... Hahha its amazing that we dun like be like ewwwwww hahha. Eg desmond, dominic, timothy, caryn, jiaxin. Had a really good talk with desmond and im so glad we can like talk 4evaaa hahhaha timothy also.... Though they always forever bully me but hahaaha i shall forgive...

Wah i really dun wannna go sch tmrw man.... Really no mood to entertain people of all sorts. Guess i wont be running 2.4 tmrw but to help out instead...

And just cos im not vice captain or anything anymore does not give u the right to step all over me. Pls dun treat me like a total noob to the game thanks. I know when im wrong and will not mind to be corrected. I may have deproved but after all i was once still your vice captain. I think fighting over leadership is stupid. If u r a genuine leader, then theres no need at all to act or prove anything. Period.

Sick of stufffffffff. Just wann have fun and done.

Or why not God, give me the power to start connecting all my pipes back to you and find out the word of your power. For i am only human afterall.

Ok i hope i shall do smth productive now...

Xx

weekendsss

2011-08-08T00:51:00.002+08:00

ahahha first weekends of august was good!!! though i really feel that i should study now!

reached home on friday at 11+++, drama night man seriously hahaha, saturday at 12+++ cos of FOP, today at 10 ++...... lika bosss already ahhaa

tomorrow is national day celebration so should be rather slack ahahha i shall touch my work soon!

really had a great time this weekend man! SSO concert, FOP, church plus alot of hanging out in between ;)

okkkk its nearing 1 AM i shall sleep now! can't wait for IKEA tomorrow omg craving for the meatballs man!

AH MUST GO RUN TOMORROW NIGHT. MUST. MUST. MUST.

nothing will ever come between us, cos i'll be standing right next to you! ahhaha foolish but so many stuff running through my head, with so many different humans. okay end of story.

HAVE A GOOD WEEK

too much drama is not good

2011-08-04T00:13:00.002+08:00

stay strong, vanessa. you have to.

really not in the mood for words... this feeling is painfully indescribable.

who do you think you are;

it dreads me to step into 3L tomorrow. i'm neither here nor there. everything's so complicated. its such a clique-ish class that it digusts me. so much judging going on, so much unhappiness. 3L is only 3L when the class is united and not exclusive only. can't join the guys all the time cos of stuff but joining the girls is _____ . wish there was still a sports class in AHS. so hard to find anybody to relate to here.

as much as i'll like to do everything alone now, i hate being alone.

life will get better

cos everything's going wrong

hello august; july reflections

2011-07-31T23:55:00.006+08:00

in about 5 minutes it gonna be august already.... how time flies.

i haven't been doing any productive actually, i feel useless 99% of the time. when i take out my work.... i stare at it for the longest time... then giving up at every problem i face. that is how studying alone is for me. sigh...

i know that i've changed quite abit.......... grown up abit more now, and wild. been almost a year since i've decided not to dab in all the stupid r/s stuff and tried to focus after i was kicked outta team. all the ranting and crushes are purely dumb anyway... cos they really don't mean much actually.

its getting tiring to get asked to leave the house all the time. nothing i do pleases you, yes i'm useless i create problems, nothing but an irritant in your eyes. i know i'm not welcomed here, i'm like the cause of almost all the quarrels... i'm pretty much a sin to be alive.

one thing i've learn when i have a family next time is : i'll never ask my children to scram, or leave the house, not matter how bad things get. period. home is a place for comfort, for shelter, for warmth and love. not like a hostel. home is a place to seek when the deadliest thunderstorm is raging outside; home is a place of peace. you don't know, but such influence from young, really does play a part in my perception of family, of home.

Times in america were good, perhaps i was the only child there, only child to focus on, to care for. No one else to compare to, to live up to, to be an example to. Honestly, i missed it. That was when home felt homely. Guess that's just a treasured part of my childhood to get nostalgic over. Like the fireplace in the america home, gone cold, forever a part of a memory miles away. i really miss the america times, even though i was a kid, but looking back, i had to be the most carefree child in the world. The simplest joy of finding out what's in a fortune cookie after every meal, visiting Stanford University in California while telling my dad excitedly that it would be my future school next time. Naive, ignorant of reality, but anticipation and being hopeful for the future; happiness was all. It hurts to even see myself in the present situation compared to the past vision when i was a mere 5/6 years of age. where did all my confidence and determination to excel go? i was such a admirable student when i was young, since the early years of primary school, earning smiles of approval from everybody. I was a pride to my parents. About a decade later, so much happened. I'm so much of a opposite now that i'm amazed.

ah i don't know how i've deviated so far and even went on to posting some pics on my blog ahhaa such a miracle man!!!! this has gotta be one of my most sensible and serious posts so far..
imagine : sitting in front of a laptop, listless, confused and saddened by everything's that going on, listening to jon schmidt's minor-emotive mix on youtube. & wow, all the thoughts starts to flow in and my hands began to start typing.......

okkk la i'm back to more of myself alreadyyy ohgosh this is wierd :/ :/ :/
shall not be so wild anymore and focus.

remember vanessa, you used to be that motivated kid. and you still are......... time to unleash the power!!!!!!!
p.s// self motivation works!!!!!
xx

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after eating lobsters fresh from the bay if i'm not wrong ahaha it was always fish and chips for me though!
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i think this was in grand canyon hahaa top of the world man!!!
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lying in the open grass of stanford university with dad ~ haha i wished i've smiled or something!
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grand canyon too with mum
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ahha this was the public buses in the state with lotsa curly wurly roads hahaha golden red bus or something omggg can't remember the name now! remember there was once when it broke down... and americans are really interesting hahaa so helpful cos everyone got down the bus and pushed it along the road hahaha i was amazed! imagine everyone pushing an SBS bus in singapore, unthinkable.
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the magic golden gate bridge in San Francisco!!! haha cos of the morning haze... half of the bridge could only be seen or something i guess hahaa

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stanford university
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i'll be the youngest graduate there
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Helloooo

2011-07-28T22:49:00.001+08:00

Blogging from the samsungggg but just testing ***

useless

2011-07-26T23:59:00.003+08:00
even strawberry pocky can't lift my mood

but alright its a new day already .... its 12.17 AM

put all past behind!!!!!!!!

1% of ego left......... still feeling uselessssssssssss

sigh complicated

i'm sucha loner actually

xx

byebye rapunzel hair

2011-07-23T00:02:00.002+08:00
plss let me fufill my dream of cutting my hair tomorrowww

greatest obstacle - parting with it after almost 1 year!!!!! sigh but its time to go...... too hard to maintain laaaaaa omg

okay i think i'll just chop off only 1 inch in the end hahahaa

sucha boring friday nightttt

xx

everyday

2011-07-21T22:32:00.002+08:00
you know sometimes i really can't stand some people really pisses me off... though i think i have rather high tolerance already but STILL................................ urgh x10000.

long story, anyway. i could rant on forever but nope!

but hahah at the same time there's always people who never fails to make my day : )

need to get the studying mode going now...........

my fingers are sore from pressing the guitar strings ._.

music therapy hahaha

okay a tiring day today man

cya world

edit// damn effing pissed with my parents. stop nagging man seriously. shutup. just effing get to sleep if you don't know how its like happening. shutup. really. concern is not shown this way. period.

sorry

2011-07-19T23:34:00.003+08:00
for being such a disappointment.

really sorry but i don't know what can i do.

wish i wasn't so wasted...

where's that spark of surging determination that i need......

comeon

there must be more than this...........................

xx

p.s// hate myself for taking so damn long and procrastinating this dumb music composition that i have no clue how to start!!!!! worst thing is i lost my manuscript of what i've done so far... deadline on thurday... piano lesson tomorrow. omg really sucks to be me!!!!!!!! come on mannnn gotta complete this somehow..... inspiration pls come noww urgh

okay moody mood not really over yet i guess :/

moody day

2011-07-19T00:56:00.003+08:00
its 12.56 now..., nearing the end of my long day...

sigh one of the sian and i don't feel like doing anything days...

probably due to cramps and the time of the monthhhhhhh, sucks reallyyy

moodless throughout the day i guesssss, plus the thoughts in my head ain't really helping

its monday and i still haven't finished my music composition...... really dislike long term work like this man! but i still love the subject hahaa

tomorrow is O level listening..... guess i should really sleep now!

i wanna end the day with a smile but guess everybody's away :( sigh vanessa why suddenly so alone!!!!!!!!!

shall end the day with a long sighhhhh

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

xx

hopefully tomorrow will be much better!

: )

smiles everybodyyyy xx

Dear D

2011-07-15T23:57:00.002+08:00
you've been on my mind for too long. Now its time to say goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee

not gonna let it affect me anymoreeee what's past will remain as history

goodluck to youuuuuuu

though i really feel this tinge of sadness and regret and disappointment, but what's meant to be will eventually meant to be ~

so okay ITS OK.

irony to say goodbye though......... when you're so apparent in my life!!!!!!! urgh selective seeing, hearing shall take effect from now!

great fun and tiring day today man!!!!!! really tired but feels good playing crap and sweating it out hahaha

its 12 already so fast! reached home close to 11pm really need to sleep nowwwww

cos the there's training tomorrow and i really need my sleep hahaa

shall do a quick prayer for you tonight and then i'm gonna erase everything away!!!!!!!!
if only you could listened to what i played on the guitar hahahaa you'll be shocked i guess

okay i need to stop focusing on such stuff, doing such stuff and letting it take over my mind...... not healthy!

sigh you're such a heartbreaker sometimes. but then again, you give me motivation : )

PRESS ON VANESSSAAAAAAAAA FOCUS COS YOU REALLY NEED TO!!!

STUDIES + NETBALL GO GO GO

my weekends are prolly filled sighhh but wait be positive so i'll look forward to it! :)

takecare, you.

xx

spinning in a mixture of confusion plus suspense

2011-07-14T22:01:00.003+08:00
urgh this is really dumb

best therapy now is to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! after today no more no more NO MORE.

today is o level oral day but i'll blog about it next time cos i'm ________________ now

yes you might have already guessed it.

get over it, vanessa......... GROW UP.

this is purely foolish, leads to nowhere, so better make smart decisions cos you're only 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay tomorrow it'll all be gone.

comeon vanessa, you can do much better!!!!!!!! :)

as much as you wanna, learn to run.

xx

pms

2011-07-13T22:57:00.002+08:00
today is such a stupid day hahahah i can't believe i actually really got so depressed and cried over what jeshua said when i knew it was just a joke............

okay long story short!!!! jeshua and david back to friends ;) :) :) spent like the whole of last night as some dumb middleperson but i was so glad everything's fine now and so today i went to sch happily....... asked jeshua's how's life with the thumbs up sign.... and then he said SHUTUP KONG. like in the usual way laaa..... i know its a joke la since its like si kong jian guan already.

but sian idk why after that like 3 or 4 periods later when we're finally back in the classroom and cos he's like sitting beside me.... then i felt damn cheated uhhhh man. like walaoooo i spent so long last night then now you all two happy already then ask me shutup.......... wah heart crushed x100000000. funny thing is while i was sitting quietly exploding with thoughts...... jeshua was like kong are you okay? why so quiet etc etc

hahahha how am i gonna tell its him man! but mrs yeo best laaaaaa hahah really cannot stand her. machiam want counsel me man. okay la i'm so bored of typing this already ahhaa

but conclusion is : why i today so sensitive!!!!!!! mad already really one minute doing world class presentation of titration in chem lab next minute go class cry hahhaha. tell me its pms plssss

hahah okay i exercised my fingers alot today since i agreed to duet with jolene's bf - junhong i think for EOY! like play secondo for him..... so yes man time to start practising! idk why man but everytime when i see junzhong play the piano i get inspired ahhaha, stupid right. okay this is a secret. so much work mannnnnn, and i'm like nowhere there ~ that's why he gives me hope to be more disciplined in practicing the right stuff! too awkward if i actually told him that haha

okay damn o level chinese oral tomorrow and i haven't started most likely gonna call yx now for help and its 11.06PM. wow so imma gonna start talking to myself!

BYE AND WISH ME LUCK x100000000

xx

time to start

2011-07-11T23:46:00.002+08:00
11.46 PM

time to start studying for history mannnn

plus the russia stuff is really a long chapterrrr

only did like about half of my music composition

o level chinese oral this thursday

i should learn to manage time better

can't wait for P.E tomorrow i wanna run...... feel so sluggish and sian mannnn been just studying

oh there's training tooo

sigh so much work still not completed yet..... kill me pls one whole freaking book of TYS.

k i should start studying for history now...... shouldn't be complacent!

// you know what's one thing i really dislike - forced concern. the irony man. its so easy to tell. and the funny thing is, how people interprets your words and concludes into something else leaving me stumped. okay or better, amazed.... well appalled actually. just to clarify - its not about feeling left out, its about how its ever impossible to try to hold a conversation with someone without the whole clique tagging by. its like an obligation to follow 24/7, almost a cult. no matter happy or sad, just follow - you'll get recognition that way. nothing wrong with good friends hanging out and having fun together, well just make sure you're really happy that's for one.

hahah okay heavy stuff aside....... anyway today was quite a good day at sch! though i really hope jeshua and david would end the cold war soon......... act so man for what!!!! hahah the judge thing was funny today ahhahaa hats off to us ;)

k 12.06 REALLY TIME TO STUDY HISTORY!!!!!

xx

ATAS IS MEEEEEE

2011-07-10T22:44:00.005+08:00
actually no, i'm still kinda attached to church and i don't think i wanna go ;) thankyou!

such hurdles are meant to be cleared and not for me to run!!!!

okay so anw dinner with M&J last dinner was GOOOOOOOD. hahahah like those kinda of good chill catching up you know you know ;) ;) ;)

went to a secluded cafe........ the garden slug. hahaah its really like pop outta nowhere in the terrace estates. hahaha rather homely as well!!!!! HAD A GREAT TIME HAHAHA ITS BEEN RATHER LONG ;) miss such company man!

okay so after a rather interesting meal we took a leap of faith walking out into the open. and then we passed by a fruit restaurant I NEVER KNEW OF SUCH THINGS!!!!! hahahaha omg super atas i tell you. the outside is just like the normal durian sellers kinda thing on wooden tables... you know that kind?????? then the seating area waah high class man hahahaha cannot believe is go there eat durian one! totally not like those sit beside road eat that kind ahahaha i also diddn't know fruits were so ex o.o

hahahah overally it was a good day ;) 27th july ah can't wait!!!!!!

okay so another round of sch tmrw.... sian or not man.

OH AND TODAY, SAT GLUED TO THE SCREEN. BEST MATCH I'VE EVER WATCHED!!!!!

omg i have alot of uncompleted work :<

hahah its been long since i've worried about work

tsk

k bye world

HELLO SCHOOL

xx

church

2011-07-10T19:35:00.002+08:00
its been on my mind for a very long time now

guess its time to blog about it...... else i might just explode and die

its mad but i've been thinking about changing church for about 2 months or so already... i know its wrong and whatever.... but i've come to realised that this church isn't an avenue for me with my relationship with God anymore

mainly the people there, i know i shouldn't put this in focus when going to church is all about God. But i'm human and come on, i face humans everyday as well. Its just funny to see how people change. Esp when this is a family church... no i'm am NOT referring to the dom incident for the 100th time. in fact, i'm not even quite bothered by it.

its just like since throughout the ignite camp and the malaysia camp, i just keep getting that feeling alot. why is it that at other churches i can remember the teachings and sermons so well but yet attending church every single sunday and i don't gain much. language is probably 50% of the cause since its a chinese church and all.

and maybe, cos of it being a family church, everyone's like so used to each other, so damn cliqued up. or maybe wanting to fit in to feel safe or protected? idk man, i see so many sides of a friend that i'm starting to feel disgusted. in fact, proclaiming that you're in a clique all the time, dosen't make the church grow. you said you wanna go for the camp cos you appointed the job of talking to new people, but attaching yourself to a clique all the time is contradicting. and yes when i see that look in your eyes everytime when you're with the whole bunch and them, hoping for me to come over and sit by you or something. I secretly laugh, feeling lonely with a whole bunch of people isn't quite sane. why not, just be yourself, really. seeing people naming themselves as a clique, closing their doors to everyone that's outside, but yet inside, i saw your loneliness man, during the camp. and yes, i've overheard so much gossiping, about each other. really man what is this. fyi i'm not just referring to a certain person in particular. its get irritating sometimes, and i wonder why i spent so much time listening to you, hearing you out, when you are so confident that you already have a clique. i'm just amused, and appalled. perhaps cos i'm never a person who likes to have cliques. the world is out there for you to be friends with, yes that goes even for the ostracized.

either its just me, or everyone's different from what i've through of them to be. it sickens me. people who i thought were good friends, flirts around. people who i thought were best friends, lived in a other world - we're living separate lives without any mention of one another. cell members walking right past you like you're a stranger when you're crying on the way out of church. so this is how things are. funny how all of us used to be so close, and yet now, as time passes, barely there.

and yes my dad is in youth. though sometimes i feel proud of him. but 70% of the time, i am so darn pressurized. using the youth as a gauge of the entire youth population is not reliable so stop trying to shove your values down on my based on what you see of the youths there. i am not obliged to live my life in exact replica of theirs.

i'm losing my relationship with God. in fact, i'm not even certain of this religon anymore. even if i'm in deep shit or lost in life, church is probably on the bottom of my list. its not genuine. i've been using vulgarities so freely now i'm that i'm amazed by myself. i know this is not the path i want to go, but at the same time, it looks like there's no other way.

there must be a reason why the target of bringing 100 more youths is not met. there is a reason why this church is not growing. its stagnant. there's a reason why i'm contemplating every sunday.

but still, there's people there that i really love and would go back for.

perhaps, i'll shall just stay on a low key and not have so much expectations.

even if without me its not much of a difference anyway, since i'm not in a clique or some sort.

this decision is not made.

never though this day would come, i used to have so much fun there, with people that i thought would be friends for life.

maybe this is life.

with or without God.

xx

sigh

2011-07-08T23:17:00.003+08:00
so..... i've been publishing and deleting posts very often cos i don't want it in my memory

so many things changed in such a short span of time

results slips today hah i should have known. last 10 percent in sch for 4 outta 8 subjects. with biology only at 1.1 for percentile. 305/373. thank God for good english man. okay not good, but at least better than my other subjects.

so. this. is. life. getting As for stuff that i diddn't actually bother to study which is like almost everything other than math and science

failing stuff i worked my ass off for. practically all my math and sciences.

end of the day i'll just face the music myself i guess, no motivation no nothing. life is mundane.

when am i gonna prove that i'm not really useless man, i know i'm smart but why so rebellious

life is really short, studies seem so small and unimportant when it comes to life and death...

so many different things happening that i keep questioning man

i'm not as cheerful as before anymore.... though when i'm really bored i get really high or whatever but its just after all that its like that kind of sian feeling, feels like nothing changed.

i really don't want people in 3L to stay this way man..... solve everything nicely pls. and no pls don't ever smoke..........

really bad to see friends so happy falling apart ~

dsa trials tomorrow @ sch..... been a week since i've trained properly

sigh

when will this ever come to an end

on a happy note : i'm really happy that i'm meeting M&J or dinner tomorrow!!! really eggcited cos we've all been so busy to even meet during the june holidays! nothing beats old friends man.... sigh looking forward to a chill night taking pics, laughing haha miss them alot really!!!

xx

slipshot

2011-07-05T22:47:00.001+08:00

no idea where i'm heading to; no motivation for anything at all

p.s// some people should really just lighten up and have some fun man

o.o

2011-06-27T00:14:00.003+08:00
so its school again tomorrow.......

don't even feel the hype man... seeing everything posting stuff on facebook hahaha just feels like any other normal day

been really messed up and i have no idea how to untangle myself

actually you know why i so open.......... its cos love is a damn big joke right smack to me ahhaha, so idk i just live life as happy as i can

someday man, life will make more sense to me

been reaching home just nicely before 12 or so cos home lost its meaning... idk i'm just sick of all the arguments and quarrels.

even church has lost its appeal........ but was kinda touched by what jx said today.. like how when everything falls... cell is always there...... might be like propaganda from the pastor but its like idk too many things happening at once and what if church happens to be one of them man

mmm maybe school would be good. the normal routines, nothing boomz or anything........ just lessons and lessons ............... but i really don't get why some girls are so insecure! i mean everyone has PMS and all right, i do feel the way sometimes when you're in a big group and you just don't feel like talking and all....... but its a decision; a choice what......... you decide what you wanna portray. and confidence is a great deal as well.......

yeah yeah i talk like that later i damn insecure i tell you hahaha but no la i'm rather fine with myself now........... actually not really....... life is a never ending battle to look better, feel better, its like war.

should really sleep mannnnn haven't gotten 8 hours of sleep in a long time. and looking at the mess beside me, what do i bring for sch tmr????????

sighhhhhh

its like i really don't want things to stay this way anymore....... its quite stressful and pressurizing but what can i do man. not to mention that this weekend i've been spending alot!!!!!!!! on idk what man....... like 50 bucks on food and concerts???????? idk how also urgh where did all my money fly!

mom's birthday on wednesday. should i make a change for the better? or act cool and keep things the way it is now? sigh think i should handmade something again......... since i think i'm rather good at it HAHAH okay i like art la hahaha let my creative juices flow ~

today i think i made the thing for kangrong very nice lor hahaah! and i'm quite amazed at how resourceful i can get haaahaha like borrowing staples from strangers... and some other desperate measures! but it turned out nice la hahaaa my fake flower that stole from home + note. i realise that stuff i make is always like useless but meaningful hahah i don't really like the idea of buying gifts anw....... prefer making stuff but i hardly have time. or to rephrase....... i'm damn lazy hahaha.

its been long since i've had a proper practise on the piano man...... like 1 whole month! and i only went for lesson once since after the practical exam and i haven't been practising scales or anything......... well done vanessa.

school shall be good tomorrow and everybody shall be happy! yes that's the way

k imma gonna sleep soon or i'll just be late and siannnnnnnnn

term 3 : I BETTER START WAKING UP AND WORK HARD.

xx

back

2011-06-23T00:27:00.002+08:00
hi everybody!!!! okay actually i was back yesterday night but man i've been so busy till like now hahah a

training tmrw morning and i haven't ran for so long!!!!!!! die x 100000

back from a trip with awesome fun nights with the youth and mad stuff seriously ahhaha imagine flushing your head down a toilet bowl........ its like HOLYYYYYCOWAREYOUSERIOUS?!!!

but okay i got to talk to people that i've knew for ages but never spoken to... eg. brian and knew more people ahha!

learnt and gained quite alot from the camp as well............

but now i'm back in sunny sg and wondering why is life so good here hahaha

okay la but i'll be like really busy from now till sch reopens which sucksssssssssss cos it means that holidays are over and noooo i haven't accomplish a million things that i told myself i had to do :(

okay should get my sleep now..... total sleep hours for the past two days = 12

HAHAH yeah i slept only rounded up 2 hours the night before plus 10 last night

its a wonder how i'm still so alive and kicking

on a bright note ahhaha caught up with some of the 3losers today ;) ;) ;)

kk should really sleeppppp

xx

penang camp tmr

2011-06-18T00:23:00.002+08:00
hey guys........ so its been a pretty busy 2 days after 3 lepak days hahaha

yesterday was good man! woke up @ 6.15 to the smell of rain... so nice to sleep ~~~~ was hoping that training would be cancelled but NO......... it was still on... until when i slowly took my time.. reached tamp mrt already THEN TRAINING WAS CANCELLED!!!!!! urgh x 1000. okay so we decided to be hardworking girls hahaha and go to the gym! its like wake up so early and bring everything already dun waste la........ plus Ms noriff was proud of us ahahaa

okayy so after that we rushed back home and out again to silent studio @ esplanade for a short jamming session!!! okay la not very short but just wanted to try out the place mannn and it was so good!!! wah like professional only hahaha okay so after that we were at the library attempting to study but not much hope huhhh i was just trying to find this particular score!!!!! urghhh its not very popular plus its originally written for the organ.

okay so after that we went for dinner then to walking around MBS, helix bridge hahahaa took rather much tourist-ist photos and ended the day late around 11pm!

luv good times like this with my friends man~

today was project day @ angela's hourse ahahhaha i slept till 1 today sorry ~ originally tonight was supposed to meet with the pri sch mates for dinner but urghhh JENNA!!!! hahaah everybody's so busy tho :/

okay so i went for a run just now... since i'll be missing training on tues plus felt like i haven't move much since the last training ages ago hahaha. thinking if i should run again tmr morning........ if i can wake up hahaa

confession : i haven't pack for the camp yet!!!!! hahah abest man really. actually not much to pack also what!! i shall do it tomorrow morninggggggggg i will wake up early ;)

but actually i'm not really looking forward to this camp.. its just like... another day lor. not even feeling the hype that i'll be on a plane tomorrow!!!!! okay la its budget airlines but still!!! have a feeling that i'll be spending more time with my family this time than with the youth that's going...

its quite irritating/sian at how everybody's so cliqued together.... maybe it offers a sense of protection or smth... or cliques by name... whatever you know what i mean?!??!! no? nvm hahah. i've just seen some stuff that really makes me..... appalled. okay la nvm shall just pray and hope things go well..... its like when you're alone without the assurance of your clique... you start to stick to anybody possible and then boom the pretend comes and talk as if you've been best friends forever kind of thing. and then saying stuff that you know means crap to you. gosh i was behind and just people watching when i saw just this side of you. like really???? relationships with people at church has been really messed man. esp with the dom/xin yue thing going on. deep down, i don't really know who were my friends before. sharing room with my annoying sis.... cos annoying is her fav word now.. everything to her is ANNOYING so that makes her annoying too. that's logic. HAHAH okay no la but i guess more sister time :)

i kinda want more time alone... chilling somewhere, with good music, coffee and just doing my stuff. esp homework now that i haven't started on any! ohyeah i wanna read a good book too... its been long since i've read and its no wonder my english so cui now haha.

okay i should really sleep soon man! if i sleep till latest 10 tmr.... i'll have 8 hours of sleep......... okay that's not much!!! plus I.HAVEN'T.PACKED. gosh that's a burdennnn

hope i'll enjoy myself thereeee, and leave all burdens/doubts/confusion at the foot of the cross!

pray for a good trip + God's presence + safety

xx

p.s// ITS MAD THAT HOLIDAYS ARE ENDING SO SOON.. ITS... IMPOSSIBLE :(

lazy bummm

2011-06-16T00:20:00.001+08:00
okay so today i just went for piano and then did nothing at home hahahah okay today is the last day of this bad lepak lifestyle!!!!!!!

training tmr @ dunman with the seniors.... last training b4 penang camp!!! yay can't wait hahaha

okay i should sleep now, its late

xx

spiritual

2011-06-14T23:05:00.003+08:00

even if its just like any other normal day, without much of a happening,

let me not forget!

yes, cos i'm nothing without your love.

lay down all pride, live for what's right.

fix your eyes on the cross and naturally all paths would be straight.

xx

hi everybody

2011-06-14T22:36:00.003+08:00
so this morning i decide to skip training cos..... i woke up and felt like shit hahhaha my throat hurts like &^Q#(*$&)*#$&.

k so lunch @ manhatten fish market so smart right, sick already still can eat good stuff ahhaha ohyah b4 that i went to see a doctor & 30 bucks flew away mannnn

come to think of it, i haven't taken my medicine and i feel perfectly fine now............ this is a joke right!!!!!!!!!!

okay today was a boring and useless day

xxxxxxxxxxxx

so...........

2011-06-13T23:32:00.003+08:00

i survived camp with a sorethroat with ultimate cheering, not bad huh

anyway training tmrw @ 8. i completed 2 packets of strepsils. its not going away yet....... should i train??? i feel well enough though, albeit my throat hurting like a g6 haahhaa

sometimes i feel proud of my dad, but sometimes i dislike x100000 to have him. okay laaaaaa idk.

kk gonna retreat to my room and play the guitar with my deep sexy low bass voice hahahahah

should sleep soon though!!!

kk nitex everybody

xx

musical wednesday

2011-06-09T00:55:00.003+08:00
can't believe its camp tomorrowwwww its been a busy day man like since morning... non-stop smsing of plans and stuff ~

worst thing is being down with fever and sorethroat = no appetite...... haven't ate much today man like not even a complete meal! wah keep going this way and no need training also can lose weight ;)

but noooo, actually i'll rather be healthy!

so today is a musical day ahaha met caryn at round 2 plus i was late again man!!!! forgot what was i doing but i was like rushing like mad since i woke up.... say round 11?? okay so we went to esplanade library to study hahaha okay la i did abit of theory only i was busy downloading cds into my laptop anwwwww. oh i bought a pair of shoes from rubi too hahhaa i just needed to buy something to complete my day

okayyy it was the phil brass concert after that.... its was okay i guess.... not too bad but i kinda expected more....

its amazing how i can really talk so much even when i'm sick oh gosh i think kangrong would understand heheh

wah looking at the pictures from today damn sian. plus my cam suckssss. bad face day bad hair day........ ahhh plus i carried my school bag out hahahah can you imagine how wierd i look man. gosh can die. my eyes are shrinking and no my complexion sucks thanks to the long hours under the sun!!! insecure insecure

its 1.07 now and i guess i gotta wake up around 8 tomorrow to pack my camp stuff hahaha yes i'm only halfway done and my bag its already full cos i just threw everything inside.

really tiredddd in fact too tired for camp with the fact i'm sickkkkkk :/

shall sleep now hopefully i'll get well soon tmr...... sigh but i doubt so!!!

seeyaaa everybody in 4 days time

xx

just plain disappointed k

2011-06-07T22:41:00.002+08:00
so many things to say, so much emotions in me now that i just wanna sleep it all away. after blogging though.

omg it sucks seriously. guys sucks. they really think with their ****s and not with their brains i swear.

so, tony can't make it for the camp. with a reason like.... hey i don't feel like going anymore, sorry., LIKE SERIOUSLY??!?!?! what kind of irresponsible shit is that. you don't get someone hopes high and just crush them like this. you don't treat a friend that has been praying for your salvation... praying for your well-being like this man. you don't. can you imagine how cheated i felt. so what. this's just a joke is it????? after how excited you got me in thinking that you'll be coming... after telling all my friends to welcome you and stuff.... you just left you hanging, wondering how am i gonna explain for you. easy for you right. you know what, i'm fed up with myself. im fed up with being friendly and nice and not judging though i heard stories. just cos i don't judge others till i know them personally, i think i've known you well enough now though we only met a few times. plus on sunday when i went down to bedok point specially to pass you the form??? gosh you think very nice is it to travel specially down. i don't need this friendship anymore, cos you're just like any other immature disgusting guys who feeds on girls. don't worry even when you jokingly said that if i had fallen for you since i was rather concern about you and stuff just cos i don't want you to lose self control and have wrong morals and end up getting girls pregnant. dosen't mean i like you. just shows that i care enough for a friend like you that i hardly know, cos i want salvation for you. as simple as that. but for now, i'm rethinking on our friendship. thanks for being honest though. its a joke really. like when i told others... they were like' huh you inviting tony??? the disgusting one that keeps adding girls on facebook? ' i defended you man, since i knew you weren't really like that. that's what i thought. till today, when i received that text, i'm just plain disappointed. don't you ever think of how i feel???

urgh nvm. i shall just leave it behind. i thought i could, at least do something and bring someone for the camp. even when others are not even trying which i really look down upon, cos all they do is act high and mighty and all holy when what they do best is to take pictures of themselves against mirrors. its okay if its once in a while. but no man, you don't have every album on facebook with your face, spamming other's news feed, wanting others to realise your impending beauty and then deny it humbly. its disgusting man seriously. just stop trying to be someone you're not, cos you'll never find yourself that why. okay but i'm not any better now.... since almost everybody in AHS is down for student camp...

no, i musn't lose faith in my church. although i don't really feel as connected anymore. ever since dom's got a girlfriend, its been hell irritating. its take rather a lot of me to dislike someone, and the first impression counts quite abit. its not about jealousy but its just........ idk what to say. i don't even have like time to talk to dom anymore man what best friends la seriously. this year we haven't had our usual studying + hanging out sessions with yin ning and stuff. everything's been revolving around xin yue. who hasn't has much of a personality if you ask me. i shouldn't dislike her and all but i don't know why man. i need to pray harder. actually if you ask me, i can't wait for dom to wake up to his senses. this is really not the person i used to know. its... horrifying.

still feels like i have 10000 more things to do before i sleep man.

1. pack for camp
2. rearrange piano
3. find a bag to put my books for tmr
4. calculate my expenses.

spending an average of 15 bucks a day on purely food and entertainment is not cool.

ahh knew some of my results today thanks to david.. not good, not good at all man. was rather surprised i passed HCL with a C5... must be cos be my compo which i memorised like mad. biology was disappointing though... i studied it rather early before hand prior to the exam but still failed with a D7. same goes for emath. guess i need to work harder. but rather surprising i passed my chem though with the low passing rate... should i be grateful that i got a c6? english was a B3 :( i expected an A2 at least actually but come to think of it, it was the worst summary writing i did in my life man. plus the essay was like half crushed. i wonder how is my history and literature!!! i can only depend on my humanities now man! my math and sciences are like fail, literally. need to work harder... but from where??? and how??? time isn't exactly on my side nowww

its been a busy week but today night was fun man!!!! that's why mixed feelings. i had a great time watching X-men with the girls.......... plus physical training in the morning was rather tough but good even without coach.

i'm feeling sick now... like fever and sorethroat. not good at all........ sigh hopefully after popping some pills i'll get better like instantly.......... busy day tomorrow also!!!!!! plus i haven't packed my camp stuff, what to do man. i'll be out for like the whole day??!?!!

ahh, but for now, i really need a good sleep.

and a good prayer.

i feel much lighter alreadyy after typing

nitex

xx

ahh need more self control

2011-06-07T00:18:00.002+08:00
ahhh im was so happy that i went and run today after reaching home early about 8++ since i diddn't follow the rest to angela's house since tmr got training.. ran till 9.30

then about 10.30 omg i felt damn hungry KFC for dinner that's why i felt so urghhh guilty that i went to run after reaching home when i so tired already ahaha but omg damn hungry just now i tell you. almost everywhere was empty with food and finally i found cup noodles. and omg guess what. I ATE IT. yay good game all my running gone. urgh with the salty msg taste still in my mouth omg i can kill myself already. SUPPER KILLS. wah should have just slept my hunger away or something but noooooo, i went ahead with the noodles cos it was so effing tempting and i was dead hungry :/

ohwell at least today was a good day!!! busy like a bumblebee since the moment i woke up hehe ;)

ahhh booking into camp tmr ( training ) better sleep now man~ yay plus making my ATM card with mamaaaa and lunch! okay guess i'll be pretty free afterwards ~ yay

really need to pray hard man. i really don't know how will this camp be, not sure what i say will be really be proven true, but faith man FAITH!!!! really want this camp to be a good one for everybody esp the friends that are new!!!! ahh pray hard, pray.

yesss i'm gonna give my all and die during training tmr if i have to cos its only 1 training for me for the week HAHAHAH but mann its at school............. hills, sigh.

OKAY TIME TO SLEEPPPPP

XX

need time to run!!!

2011-06-05T23:46:00.002+08:00

you know i realised that i if i actually don't wake up so late.... i can actually do alot of things leh!!!
feel so bad man haven't kept my fitness at all since the last training ahhh! looks like tomorrow is fully planned after all... not as free as i thought!!!

there's impt things i need to do though shall remind myself here -

1. buy more contacts!!!!!!!!!!!
2. make ATM card asap
3. take pics settle blogshop stuff
3. buy essentials for camp!!!!!!
4. squeeze in some time for a run b4 tues!!!
5. CUT MY HAIR

(funny how homework isn't on my list... LAST WEEK OF HOLIDAYS THAT ONE HAHA HARDCORE MAN SERIOUSLY)

hahaha yup, so plans for tomorrow is wake up late..... okay more like my usual time of 11-12.... but ah 11.40 at mrt then to joyce house for some church worship piano stuff.... then out with 3L!!! hahah rather excited cos i haven't seen them in a while now!!!! most prolly gonna watch them skate cos no i'm not risking my knee or ankle hahaha PLUS i dun even know how to rollerblade :/ and ben just called so yupp maybe we gonna watch Xmen instead hahahha cos we're cool like that... most prolly its gonna be till night so yeahh my day's gone... and i still need my sleep for training on tues!!

hahaha the weekends were well spent though! cell lunch @ manpuku on saturday then flea!!! hahah pretty good i guess... good buys man!!! 3 rounds of non-stop flea wah madness but good man hahaha then continued with yani till 11 plus at 313 and had to made sure we ran to catch the last train home hahahah damn epic but good experience man! seriously that day wah like rebel man,... took the last bus home and reached home nicely after midnight ;) cinderella much!!

okay so today... church then out with the sista cos parents were still busy in church....... went to tamp for some desserts then bedok point to pass tony some stuff and back to ehub wanted to catch a movie but ahh all the couples i tell you all book till damn full :( so did quite a bit of shopping again HAHAH

pretty satisfied with my buys this weekends ;) :) :) actually i spent more money on good food than on shopping man i realised hahaha but in my defense i've been skipping meals cos i just dun feel hungry at all hhaa

okay sian i just threw 80% of my clothes in the washing machine so WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR TOMORROW :( :( :( wah another problem man seriously!!! how how how. sighhh sucks to be a girl seriously with all that insecurity beneath!!!

hahaha best... the secs 2s in AHS damn good. go china to zilian HAHHA okay la not as if we diddn't camp in front of the hotel mirrors at night but STILL wah all their albums are like camwhoring with their friends!!! aiyo that one singapore also can!!! why they don't take nicer pics with their friends with the foreign scenery???? very curious seriously ahahah okay pls dun flame me but i'm APPALLED. yes thats the word haha. k PEACE PEACE.

ah its past midnight... i should wake up early tomorrow for a run first... yes that sounds good the problem is the waking up part.......

i'm looking forward to the week already!!! :) cos there's something to look forward to each day ahhaha can't wait for camp either!

k la should really sleep now and set my alarm at prolly 8 or something hahah a

exciting week ahead ~

xx

one day

2011-06-03T20:40:00.002+08:00
this is really mad to even think about it but mannn why oh why. this is rather sad not to have school now!!!

hopefully one day you'll know, that there's actually something :-******

how impossible is this man!!! but its like wherever i go, i see you and its not very helpfullllllllllllll :/

urgh why can't we be in the same year, seriously!!! okay nvm this.is.life

mixed feelings x 100000000.

considering the current circumstances : forget it!!!!

man i miss the times hahaa, short but sweeeeeeet.

hopefully when i'm 50 or something i'll still remember haha!!

sigh wonder if you ever though more about it or is it just me. people tell me things i'll gladly believe but noooo seems too good to be true. so i'm stuck here wondering still urghh.

hello V, do you know i'm talking about you!!!

nvmmmm

xx

june holidays

2011-06-02T21:09:00.002+08:00
i should do something meaningful instead of having fun, bumming after training, sleep, eat

man what should i do

OHYEAH I SHOULD DO MY HOMEWORK FIRST HAHAAHAH

but seriously??!???!

Nothing to fear

2011-06-01T23:14:00.002+08:00

endurance.

mental and physical endurance... that's how it gets so tiring during each training. with the impossibly hot sun... not knowing what's to expect next. in fact what's going on in your mind decides your actions... its all about mind over matter. its like fighting a battle with your actions... your mind tells you to keep going not to stop.. overcome yourself.. but your legs tells you you're tired you wanna rest and you wanna stop. but through this, with such mental strength building up... its really good and useful in life next time. determination.

tuesday's training started off badly. my alarm diddn't ring and training started early so i ended up being late. sighhh plus my ankle was still hurting from friday while playing ball with jeshua in class and had me ended up landing on my butt with a twist of my ankle..... why so weak man ankle seriously :( plus i diddnt had proper stretching so yeah my left leg was numb throughout it was like running on air and gosh it felt really bad. plus during the break i left for school cos i thought that music was at 10!!! on my way up the hill i already had a bad feeling that the timing wasn't accurate and behold man, when i reached sch i found out it was at 12.30!!! gosh imagine how i felt man.... with coach and all!!!! but thank God really, thank God for Mrs Sng who understood, thank God for raelene when i was really scared, thank God for the peace i had.
went back for training and i'm glad it ended on a good note i guess ;)

ahhh music was just relieving :) i'm glad my efforts paid off... but only for the theory paper though... glad i climbed to a B this time round!!!! though my practical could have done really much better :/ ahh but well at least i learn from my mistakes!!! its okayyyy but i'm really happy with my results at least for the written paper... i could have gotten a high B or a A even if i took back all my careless mistakes plus dumb errors!! so happy that i've improved so much in theory even since i started music and was thrown off by the standard!!! yes, never give up ;) esp when you have an amazing teacher!!!!

i'm pretty much excited for youth ignite camp and the family camp actually..... been a while since i took a break from like all the routines.... ahhaha i'm so glad tony is going!!!! it was rather a big step to invite cos only met him like 2 times while ordering gongcha hahaa but i'm so glad he's coming!!!! prayed for this for quite sometime now... hopefully this camp would impact his life ! really ran out of people to invite since student's camp is like exactly on the same date and almost everybody's going!!! really wish that more people would go for the camp man.... went for a swim just now with my sister and had some sister time hahaa. i really want to like you know... try my best and see more people coming to the camp?? cos God has never given up, so i shouldn't!!! go go go everybody ~~~

ahhh there's training tomorrow @ dunman. i sincerely hope that my ankle gets back on form fast..... injuries really affects :( hope the sun decides to be nice!!!

ah its almost midnight shall go to sleep now i feel so mature blogging today hahah sounds normal already right??

ohyeah somethings are not worth going back for. moving on cos its the right thing to do, i was ignorant and naive once, but nope now i know, what's worth and what isn't. sadly to say, past is past. its a learning experience but no, fate won't do much and feelings fade. it wasn't much of feelings to begin with, just experimenting i guess. im 15 nowwwww though sometimes i still confuse myself and have stupid crushes hahahhaha k la i admit, life is getting better ;) there's no way i'm going back, cos i luv all the people around me now! 3L, 2H, netballers, skoolmates, churchies, M&J, cell and everybody part of my life somehow or other hahaa ;)

top 2 songs in my playlist now!!!!

k its 12 already should really sleep nowwwww

good night world xx

sick of the late nights

2011-05-30T01:16:00.002+08:00
urghhh i just realised.... since thursday i've been reaching home on the average of 11+ daily man!!!

this isn't good cos i'm so tired and really... i need more time :/ its like worrying about catching the last train home and waiting forever for the bus!!! so what have i been doing man..... no wonder life feels so busy and fast now.....

been occupied since thurday... like from morning till night..... rather tiring man! and gosh next week so many plans... what idk which to go and which to turn down!!!

i want some time, to just have some alone time at home, like go for a run.. read a book... hahhaah classic i know!

so today... i left church early to sent steph off @ at airport but long story short, her flight was postphoned to the next day! so she had some free 1 night hotel stay @ carlton hotel and hahaha decided to accompany here for the night supposedly but in the end also cancelled....

so plans for tomorrow is to send steph off at the airport hopefully nothing goes wrong and then expo for popular sale since its the last day cos i wna buy assessment books cos vanessa mugger ng is back ;)

kk i dun feel like blogging already feels like talking to myself which is retarded!

imma continue editing my photos so many man oh gosh

xx

really tiring day

2011-05-27T01:28:00.003+08:00
training plus VJC piano concert at night........

its 1.28AM now and there's still school tomorrow.. my hair's not dry yet though :(

mixed feelings these days man! but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength and never be weary!!! feel like i'm so religious these days don't really know why but yeah

you know i realised something today... for everything you're good at, there''ll always be somebody better than you. its reality........ and its hard to really excel in something..

i had a dream last night......... it felt so real. like us. so damn real that i wasn't even taken aback by it. seems so surreal yet so dreamy. but when i woke up, you know that kind of feeling... how could i ever even think of that........... by circumstances, it would almost been impossible...... but it felt so close to heart and idkk gosh this is really weird!!!! :/ ahh forget just half a year more and everything will be as though it never happened!!! seriously man vanessa tskkkkkkkkk ~

hahah k should really sleep now..........

xx

training

2011-05-24T22:06:00.004+08:00
well hahaha i guess everything's settled now cos we're all God's children and yeahhhh grace and love man ;) :) :) plus i believe after quarreling for a few times, our friendship is much stronger than that ;)

and today skipped sch cos really diddn't feel like going plus its not pointless so yeah hahha woke up around 12.... made lunch for myself then played guitar for awhile cos i was feeling quite nervous for training after not training for so long......

been like half a year since i've really trained man....... considering the times that i just skipped cos i was sick and tired of this game.. was a really hot day like REALLY HOT. goshhhh really burnt man. really wanted to like quit and give up halfway through mannn its like self brought torture!!!! while other people cca is like so relaxed and comfortable... we're burning in the hot sun, so dehydrated man!!! but guess its all worth it. like during the game, i missed it so much. think i did rather well..... been ages since i've played but yeah i felt so free on court!! the feeling's so good man!!! though really need to keep building on my fitness esp under the afternoon hot sun when stamina just drains really fast. ahhh my face is burnt and the heat is still in my head man.., been so long since i've train and burnt under the hot sun but i really wanna achieve something now..... not gonna skip training anymore : ) it feels so much like home... guess 6-7 years of playing really means something.

this is bliss mannnnnnnnnn lying on my bed, typing away on my laptop.... with the wind........ ahhhh hahhaha no more sprints or whatever later.....

music and sports may be hard to juggle, but i trust God, he made me drop either one before but nope i gonna learn how to balance it all together with studies!!!!!! its possible.... just need more discipline :)

playing the guitar and piano is really relaxing hahahah im so glad my parents encouraged me all the way not to quit piano! cos now i'm seeing the beauty of it man............. next time im gonna make my kids play the violin and piano for sure ;) ;) ;)

its been a really good day for me so i can only say laying your burdens down and leaving it to God really gives you peace ;) :)

one thing i have to say :

PRAISE THE LORD <3

xx

friendships

2011-05-24T00:47:00.003+08:00

its just sad to see people breaking away, with a clash of characters. heard quite some stories today and yeah, guess its about self-esteem, and the willingness to sort out the differences while letting your ego down.

just saw what S wrote on her blog. should i be angry? or pissed or anything? no, actually i don't feel much. its like i've gotten used to it. its just part of her. but wait.... how about before you get pissed, how about getting the facts right first. it wasn't done on purpose. we were busy in the middle of a recording and i couldn't possibly just stop, cos it was already RECORDING. so yani was only one free so she picked up, but obviously it was hard to hear, its a studio!!!!! i diddn't even know what went thru the phone. after i left, i smsed you. you ignored. is it fair??? you get angry, but won't others get angry too. i mean like for how many times have you just slammed down a call or just said bye abruptly and just cut off the call? truthfully its hell annoying. but if me and others could tolerate and put up with that.... what's this tiny matter compared. esp when you're in public on a conversation and then you just suddenly k bye and the line goes dead. how am i suppose to end the call??? look like an idiot and say bye to the air??? its been quite a number of times, and just because i diddn't told you upfront cos i decide to just let the matter pass, dosen't mean its alright. and now you get pissed for such, can you finally understand how others feel now! if i were to list all the times i felt pissed, you'll be appalled. but no, i don't cos i've just learnt to live with it, its just you. imagine if you were me, taking public transport every morning. and only if your friend can't gets a cab or don't feel like taking a cab, only then she'll call you up and stuff. its like being like an easy second option man. you want, you take. don't need, just throw. what is this. don't you ever think i'll feel that way?! its like having no say at all. this time, if you were to be pissed i really suggest you think through all the times. even if i'm tolerant, even if i don't choose to brood over matters for long, there's a limit. the world can't give in to you all the time, and the point is i did sms you back asking what's up. but you chose to ignore and be pissed. its really not fair, it isn't, with all the other times. apologies? i see no point, cos i did respect you and smsed you back despite not knowing what went on in the call.

girls are just really complicated, period.

---------------------------

okay i feel better letting all that out urghhh!!! well late for sch today as expected........ stomachache in the morning plus really no mood to go to sch so just took my own time.... its was field trip day anw!!! went to krangi memorial and yeah it was my first time going to a cemetery mannn but it looked so peaceful, so serene. had fun with 3L hahahaa though its quite sad we're really in 2 distinct groups.

was so hyped and happy throughout the day cos i was really tired thanks to 3 hours of sleep and had to stay awake..... but now? i feel a mixture of confusion, sadness, anticipation, disappointment. training starts tomorrow and i guess i wouldn't be attending school cos its rather pointless.. i don't take AMATH anw and GEMS is kind of a waste of time. last time i ran was on friday...... but its okay hopefully everything goes well tomorrow....... God knows. plus the pact i made with Jeshua and Benjamin.... next year must fight all the way in the school team!!! Nothing is gonna take away the place again man... esp Ben and I!!!!!! we made a wrong move, paid the price, NOW WE'RE GNA GET IT BACK.

yes, determination!!!

oh a side note.......

i guess things are different now, your call took me by surprised. i wasn't expecting it in the least., but its okay i diddn't wanna talk for after a minute or so, i was busy and i guess things changed. i used to hurry finish my stuff or just leave it all down to relax and talk to you over our day and such. but guess ever after since that night, i knew that this wasn't anything worth more than friends so yeah i'm sorry hahhahaa guess i became stronger afterall :) :) :) but hahhaha we both love music and we're like loudspeakers so yah ahahhaha

shall just leave everything to God, and lay all my burdens at the foot of the cross : )

xx

hello world

2011-05-23T00:16:00.002+08:00
so tired since after exams hahahah been sleeping like real late around 3-4am every night... this is bad....

but life's been good and i finally went to church today after 2 weeks missed the people man hahah!!

okay have a good week everyoneeeee still thinking if i should go to sch tomorrow hahahaha

ah tired manz.

have a good weekkkkkkk

xx

new week

2011-05-16T00:05:00.002+08:00
ahh i really shouldn't be online but ahhh 60 chengyu + chinese paper for more vocab sighhh

pretty much a wasted weekend filled with quarrels but i'm glad things are better now.. hahaa you know when i came onto my blog all i saw were like caps and vulgarities and ahhh hahaha i hardly post anything good other then venting my frustrations whining about something.... for those who read my blog ahhah dun judge pls, im not usually this angsty, but i guess i won't delete the posts, cos its a learning experience after all. family is still family. there's still love. guess i shouldn't be so rash next time, and thinking more about other's feelings. its more of giving in. cos ultimately, i love this family no matter what, God has placed me into this family on earth, so i guess there's a purpose :)

haven't attended church for like 2 weeks man. having kind of mixed feelings. the company there, the lessons i gained..... idk i just don't feel as connected anymore. seems like everybody has their own cliques, which are like inseparable. and it gets really irritating sometimes cos i mean like how you gonna expand the church if you don't break free of your clique! i meant like i also got people i'm closer to and all, but stillllllllll. sigh its just wierd, i mean i love my cell and all, but something's missing and i don't know why. and that's taking away the joy of going to church., i know its wrong but i still went ahead with my study plans, thinking that my weekend was pretty much wasted so i might as well not go to church and like maybe try to connect with God and then like yeahhhh. i was rather angry at God actually, for causing such disharmony between my family, affecting my studies not to mention its exam period and if i don't have the heart to focus i'm really gone.... so this weekend was really wasted and i'm still not done learning my chinese yet. guess i really need to some time management!!!

oh and i feel accomplished today cos i finally got hold of Bm and F chord on guitar!!!! gosh been trying to get the barre chord for quite sometime and today OHYES i found open chords for it and it ain't too hard just mann my fingers hurt. cos i don't usually use a pick, so yeahhh. and i have practical exam on wednesday!!! gosh no need to stay away from the guitar for now man.

i kind of can't wait for exams to be over... i mean i really missed the game.

okay its 12.21 i should really continue with my chinese although its kind of hopeless.

and plus there's the temptation to cheat since its hasn't really been a clean exam standard for my class......... but nope, i shouldn't!!!!!! it is wrong... no i shan't get tempted....... AH HONESTY INTEGRITY...

ahhh hopefully this shall be a good week ahead :) :) :)

xx

fucking tired of this shit

2011-05-14T12:43:00.002+08:00
bloody the first thing i woke up to is to people quarelling never a moment of peace man IN THIS FUCKING GODDAMN HOUSE. LAST NIGHT WAS JUST A FUCKING FAILURE ALSO WHAT SHIT FAMILY TIME MAN WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN YOU ALL JUST WANNA GO HOME MAN. AND OMG MY BLOODY SLUT OF A SISTER, FUCKING HATE HER MAN. I COULD KILL HER IF I WOULD MAN. BITCH MAN. ALL HER ACTIONS, BITCH MAN. THINK SHE BIG IN TKSS. TRYING TO BUILD UP A FAKE APPEARANCE AND FRONT ONLY. BLOODY COWARD ON THE INSIDE. COWARD MAN GIVE UP SO EASILY WASTING ALL THE $$$$.

DAMN THIS WHOLE FAMILY MAN, ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THIS WHOLE THING SPLITS. AND I THINK EVEN GOD WAS JUST STAND AND WATCH. THIS DAMN PRESSURE IN ME NOW MAN FUCK SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY??? JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE MAN ESP WHEN YOU KNOW AT 11 AT NIGHT WHEN YOU NEED SOMEBODY YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T GOT NOBODY ESP WHEN EVERYONE IS MUGGING AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR FRIDAY AWAY. EXAMS ARE JUST EXAMS. IS MYE REALLY THAT IMPORTANT. I PUT IN MY BEST, BUT IT DOSEN'T HAVE TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE. GET A FUCKING LIFE. MAYBE ONE DAY WHEN ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE BOSSES OR WHATEVER THEN YOU CAN COME AND SLAM ME NOW.

STRESS LIKE SHIT NOW. WHEN THE HARD TRUTH STRIKES. FRIENDS WHAT ARE THEY MAN. SO WHAT IF YOU HAVE TONS. HOW MANY REALLY MATTERS

ONE OF MY FAV SONGS MAN FUCK THIS IS WHAT I CALL MUSIC MAN. JUST COS I DON'T BOTHER TO LISTEN TO ALL THE TOP 100 OR NEW SONGS, DOSEN'T MEAN A THING I TELL YOU COS WHY SHOULD I LISTEN ALL THAT SHIT WHEN I GOT OTHER GOOD STUFF TO LISTEN TO.

okay i need to chill, its just that life really sucks now. yesterday was the first time in 15 years i was so angry that i just bought movie tickets and watch a movie alone for the first time. God, this needs a miracle to resolve the tension and things man.

peace. i need peace.

xx

frustrated!!!

2011-05-09T23:37:00.002+08:00

MYE IS JUST TO PROVE HOW I REALLY CAN'T MANAGE MY TIME WELL AND HOW I TAKE DAMN LONG TO LEARN SOMETHING AND HOW AND WHY EVERYTHING DOSEN'T SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE.... LIKE CHEM...... AND I TAKE FOREVER TO LEARN BIO. PLUS I NEED TO WRITE OUT TO REMEMBER, SUCKS TO BE ME COS I NEED TO SPENT MORE TIME LEARNING STUFF. NOT HELPING THAT MY HANDWRITING IS SO MESSY IN NICE CURSIVE WAY BUT NOT EVERYBODY APPRECIATES IT SO YAH URGH. HOPE THE TEACHER CAN READ MY ENGLISH ESSAY THAT I SCRIBBLED IN 15 MINUTES COS I HAD NO INSPIRATION TO WRITE AND THE ESSAY THAT I HANDED IN WAS HALF CRUSHED........ NOOO MAN I'M A TRIPLE HUMANS STUDENT SUPPOSEDLY GOOD IN LANGUAGES AND HUMANITIES!!!!!!! I KIND OF WASTED ANOTHER DAY TODAY TIME FLIES SO FAST THAT I CAN'T STAND IT PLUS I WENT TO SCH FOR EXTRA REMEDIAL ON A PUBLIC HOLIDAY WEARING UNIFORM OMG IMAGINE HOW MANY PEOPLE STARED!!!!! IM SUCH A GOOD TIME WASTER FOR EVERYTHING

URGH AND NOW I'M ONLINE COS I REALLY NEED TO RANT

WHY I GOT SO MUCH TO LEARN????? SUCKS MAN REALLY SUCKS COS TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!!! LESSONS TIME JUST WENT BY LIKE A BREEZE NOW ITS A STORM. SUCH A GOOD METAPHOR RIGHT HOPEFULLY THIS IS CONSIDERED AS A METAPHOR. LEMME TELL YOU WHAT IS A OXYMORON. VANESSA AND USEFULNESS. THAT IS A OXYMORON COS I REALLY FEEL USELESS NOW :( I ONLY DID SS TODAY OMGGG THINK OF ALL THE CHEM AND BIO I STILL HAVE TO DO I CAN FAINT!!!!! PLUS HAVEN'T STARTED ON HUMANS, COS ITS EASIER FOR ME ACTUALLY BUT NOPE I CAN'T BE SO COMPLACENT.....

AFTERALL ITS ONLY MID YEARS..... EXAMS ARE LIKE LOSING ITS IMPORTANCE TO ME MAN.

PLUS THE WEATHER IS SO FREAKING HOT OMG AND OMG MY FAMILY IS FALLING APART WITHOUT A MAID I TELL YOU

URGH IN THE MORNING NO BREAKFAST = EATING OUTSIDE
WEATHER DAMN HOT IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK UP HILL WITHOUT PERSPIRING 5 LITES = CAB

TOTAL = MONEY FLY AWAY LIKE 10 BUCKS TOTALLL

SIGH

OMG SERIOUSLLYYYY EVERYTHING'S GETTING ON MY NERVES ESP ME. I THINK ITS PMS PLS DON'T LET MY TIME OF THE MONTH COME DURING EXAMS OMG I SWEAR I'LL URGHHHHH TURN INTO A MONSTER.

THE WEATHER IS SO HOT THAT EVEN WHEN I WENT FOR A RUN YESTERDAY AT 8 PLUS AT NIGHT IT WAS STILL FREAKING HUMID AND HOT WAHH WHY CAN'T THE SUN RELAX ABIT MAN, SHINE WHOLE DAY Y NOT TIRED ONE!!!!! SPEAKING OF EXERCISE OMG I FEEL LIKE A DEAD COW NOW FEEL SO UNHEALTHY AND UNFIT URGHHH TRAINING'S GONNA RESUME SOON!!!!! REALLY MUST GO FOR SOME INTENSE RUN OR SWIM TOMORROW!!!!!!!

I SHOULDNT BE COMPLAINING SO MUCH ACTUALLY COS I DON'T HAVE AN AMATH PAPER TOMORROW BUT AHHHHHH EXAM STRESS KKKK PLUS MY DAD DON'T WANNA FETCH ME TO SCH :(

I'M NOT SOME SPOILT BRAT LA BUT AHHH EXAM PERIOD EVERYTHING'S A BIG THING AND I'M SUCH A AHHHHHH HOPELESS USELESS STUDENT :( :( :(

CAN I TELL MYSELF SOMETHING :

SUCKS TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!

okay for all those thats gonna flood me with chill or relax you don't have to hahah cos i just like typing in caps with no proper sentence structure blah blah hahahha so yah im very chilled now omg no that's a white lie cos its still damn hot but yah you get my point!!!!!!!

VANESSA PLS STUDY MORE ITS STILL NOT ENOUGH!!!! CANNOT TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME, MUST CHOINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

kk i'm gonna study chem now YES I MUST DIE DIE MUST

COS

I'M VANESSA MUGGER NG

xx happy week of exams to those still living

xx

MYE

2011-05-05T21:13:00.003+08:00
hahah paper 1 tomorrow yes i'm gonna spam myself with chinese urghhhh hahha

kk im quite frustrated with duet with pc cos he can't play secondo in the perfomance speed urgh but its okay PATIENCE

and leave it to God

i wanna mug man really

hate if when some people keep exclaiming they'll fail but they know they won't but urgh when i say i'll fail i really will fail so its not joking when like i really need the teacher's attention and maybe ask stupid simple questions BUT I DON'T WANNA FAIL ... ESP MATH CHEM CHINESE BIOLOGY TIME TO START STUDYING!!!!!!!!!

xx

: )

2011-05-01T22:43:00.003+08:00

i think i can really get used to life this way without much distractions hahaha, i think i'm like a switch i get hyped and turned on sometimes but other than that i'm pretty much dead.

no distractions = keeping a clear mind = no confusion = not much exciting happenings = studies better = know yourself better = everything will be better!

sometimes, just wait hahaa. no i'm not going to openly declare my eye candy or whatever anymore haahaa its ruining in a way. omg its not that i have any eye candy or whatever but hahah life is confusing to begin with....... gahhh .

finally went for a run today... after a week..... feels so good hahaha. been really packed and tired throughout the week that i diddn't have much time for a swim or anything ~

yess there's no school tomorrow hahaha luv the feeling...... gotta study later... actually i diddn't do much throughout the weekend other than packing my files and all..

okay shall decided my plans for tomorrow throughout the night :)

luv the peaceful feeling, hope it stays hope it stays

wo bu xi huan nan sheng

yeahhhhhhhhhhhh :)

ttfn

xx

I surrender

2011-04-30T23:52:00.003+08:00

just ended of a really heated quarrel with my dad which kinda involved my mum and all started with my bro. i wanted to spend the night studying but well, things happen and yeah can't go on studying now when my head's filled of thoughts and i'm so tired cos i cried i cry easily so yah not very surprising

ok wait before anything or i get flamed or anything i just wanna say i'm just expressing my views, honest opinions or whatever so don't feel insulted i wanna look backnext time and see if i've changed so yeap this is authentic cos i don't believe in blogging to please the crowd.

actually its just quarrellings about the same old issue again... its like i like to play my piano at night esp after i bathe... its just a habit cos i feel that its during that period of time when i can really put my soul in making the practice a useful one, not that i'm some concert pianist or big shot or whatever but i'm just passionate i guess. but my no 1 in math bro in SHPS has to keep nagging at me say what very noisy blahblah and my parents gonna come and say what like can't you compromise blahblah URGH ITS SO IRRITATING i tell you, you tell me which is harder.. bringing a few pieces of paper to his room to study or for me to lug my piano to my room??? its impossible for me to move my piano like duhhh

okay so yeah i guess i ain't exactly the most respectful child and i won't back down till i make my stand clear and get my point across.. its rebellious in a sense that there was alot of shouting going on and not so clean language. i got really really angry when my dad threw my scores on the floor cos i felt so insulted... its like every time when they complain very noisy i feel dejected like why i can't play a piece without going through all that practice.. like i feel like my playing sucks that everyone will complain noisy instead of appreciating... okay so back to my point, yeah i got really angry and insisted that my dad picked up my scores or i'll wreck his guitar, its like you don't wanna respect me fine, but respect my piano, respect music. okay i'm really not angry anymore now so yeah i'm just reflecting on what happened. i felt so angry idk why, but yeah there was this strong surge of anger in me that wouldn't be defeated no matter what. i won't shut up when we quarrel, its like one sentence for a sentence. until when i told myself i couldn't continue this on anymore i had to control my anger, i went to the room still shaking with rage, and i cried like never before.... i was like biting on my teeth and man i was really angry, i felt like all the time i spent on piano was treated like simply noise pollution. if it was me like 2 years ago, i would have hurt myself but i've gotten past that stage and no i'm never going back, it a phrase i've gotten past and left behind. never will i do it again. so when i was feeling defeated and completely thrashed and still very very angry my dad unlocked my door and came in for our like 5th round of quarrel or actually more like a debate. the irony is that i wasn't even angry with my dad ITS MY SMART ASS BRO that i couldn't take it anymore like seriously and my mother who is like so protective of him that i couldn't stand so in the heat of the argument when she started chipping in to scold me i kind of chided her by spilling out like how she is a working mum all that, couldn't even cook to save her life all that, like ever since the maid left. reflecting back now, i shouldn't have said it but when all that anger's in your head... so yeah after all that trashing out we both kinda chilled and started talking sense.. like me and my dad. everything went back to God. i thank God for this quarrel actually, i've been praying every night for a closer relationship with God and now i felt like i'm back in His loving arms. This fight started when i wanted to play the piano cos i had to play in church the next day. my dad told me alot of things, and taught me as well. though through the strong front, i was shattering inside, i knew what he was saying is true, if I loved God, i don't have to do much, i just have to take care of his sheep. There's a purpose. everyone, everything that happens. But every time you know when i hear something like this i'll like take the place of an atheist and think like this is mad, its like almost eccentric to talk like this. i guess its normal to have doubts, to strengthen your belief. like every time i fight for what i stand up for against opposition and disapproval, i don't actually get disheartened but i get more convinced by what i'm doing is right, more determined. and if it turns out to be wrong at the end of the day, i'll bear the brunt of the consequences.

really having a splitting headache now, this is so not me, been long since i really though deep besides happy go luck-ing each day. different side of me huh. i haven't even type a 'haha' yet!

and then after everything, i saw my dad measuring the size of the piano and actually considering moving it to my room (after so long!!!) albeit my mother scolding my dad for giving in to me and how i live in my own world not caring for others...

i feel selfish, but yet i don't know why, sometimes i wish i could just control and restrain myself more, like KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND NOT FIGHT BACK. to others i can but to my parents idk why. i feel bad, actually

but yet again, i thank God cause i know me and my dad both gained through this, and underneath all, there's love.

you know the recent leadership camp for sec 3s, i felt really lost and sad that im not selected to go for netball. okay i already kind of expected but its like ever since sec 1 when i DSA into the school through netball, i foresee myself as a leader, inspiring others in the sport. but now, yeah i'm nothing, its hard to even believe i'm a DSA. i fight really hard for what i'm passionate in, but i don't know i just let go of netball. even huixin who hasn't got into the team before could be selected for the camp. this really made me reflect, it made me wanna just throw away this cca, and distant myself. cos in everybody's eyes, i'm just a slacker, a slacker who wants to evade cca every time, whose stamina is like one of the worst, someone who lost passion in this game. when in sec 1, there would always be like a ball under my table till my teacher had to confiscate it, the girl who wanted so much for her team in sec 1 and 2, where did it all go. i feel the disappointment every time someone talks to me about netball. yeah i'll cover it up with a smile and yeah go like no passion. but man really? or is it like i'm so sick of the surrounding and pressure that i just wanna break free and discover something new - music. i miss netball, i miss the game, i miss the anticipation, i miss the feeling after completing a madass training. sometimes i just feel like distancing away from the netballers, cos things changed so much that its hard to face. like last time people used to look up to me, not being proud but that was what i truly felt, but now its like everyone's looking down, given up. even if you say leader, vanessa would be like one of the last options ever. cos when you given up, others stop believing in you as well. man i'm actually tearing as i type this...... i don't know why but it has been a dream sometime, the road is far, really i don't know, but i know someday, this feeling will pass. i really hate the current situation, i don't like others to look upon me like this, i just need time to figure things out, and with music taking up my interest, things just change and people's impression change. i hardly even wear my sport shoes to school anymore, i've changed so much since sec 2.

okayyy i'm really tired now with a headache shall go to sleep

new insights gained today

I may be stubborn and strong Lord, but I surrender, for the greater glory God, teach me to be humble and compromising to my family. I surrender Lord, live in me, take over me, use me.

nitex xx

friday again!

2011-04-29T23:40:00.002+08:00
hello cyber world hahaha i feel like i'm talking to myself again!!!!!!!

okay i'm really tired after a long day but it was a good day nevertheless although i diddn't do any work but heck mannn i'm swear i'm gonna lock myself up without any form of technology and study for the next 3 days!!!!

sch ended 1.15 and i stayed in class to finish my gong han....... irritating man seriouslyy urgh like make me damn stress only

then rushed down for the string on song concert hahah not bad la..... jz even conducted hahahah was rather funny cos he looks like he wanna fly but he's can't fly hahah omg am i mean to say that??? no offence man no offence

okay la i'm getting more and more intrigued by the piano and classical music as a whole day by day... i even listen to symphony 96.2 when i'm bored man!!! then i'll start pointing out the differences, texture, cadences ahhaha i think im really mad omg how

okay so after the concert was with felicia since i persuaded her to go for the concert with me hahah and it was raining heavily so we decided to study in school and ohyes i tidied up my file!!! hahah the super girly one summore

k then after we went for dinner at just acia ahhaha wanted to catch the justin bieber movie but ohman seems like its not showing anymore!!! hahha had a great time catching up with her man!!! its like i can tell her everything hahha

okay i'm really tired so there's no hope for me studying.... another day wasted again but there's something wrong man i don't really feel the rush and pressure........!

okay haven't been working out recently.... gotta go for a good run/swim tomorrow... i feel so lazy urghh

ttfn so sleeepyyyyyyy

xx

:C

2011-04-26T22:22:00.002+08:00
man sorry just don't wanna get disappointed again

don't wanna brood over something for so long

just wanna have fun

but the after effects URGHH

something's wronggggggg.....

i'm sorry dude

ahhh i'm so messed and screwed when it comes to r/s

sucks to be me man!!!! after saying that to so many people urghhh its coming back its karma!!!

wellz shall study ..... shall complete my gong han which i spent 4 periods trying to write but still not done...... yeah that's how much i like studying now man

how do i keep God constant and moving in my life man...... when i'm only human and keep falling into temptations........ i know God knows but i still dont know!!!

i shall do something useful now,

xx

.....

2011-04-24T00:57:00.003+08:00
ahh someone just shoot me i really ought to be studying already and not wasting my time

LIKE SERIOUSLY

MIDYEARS ARE COMING

URGHH TAKE THINGS MORE SERIOUSLY CAN NOTTT

TURN ME INTO A MUGGING NERD OVER NIGHT PLSSSSSSSSSSS

I SHALL PUT ALL MY TEXTBOOKS IN MY BAG THE FIRST THING I STEP INTO THE CLASSROOM ON MONDAY AND I SHALL LUG THEM ALL HOME AND MUG.

SIGH I DON'T WANNA FLUNK MY PAPERS FOR ME TO REALISE THAT I NEED TO STUDY

BUT NOOO WHY IS STUDYING SO HARDDDD, I LOOK AT MY CHEM NOTES AND URGHHH I MUST BOND WITH THEM SO THAT I CAN PASS MAN, SERIOUSLY... IONIC, COVALENT ALL ALSO CAN

its 1 am already oh gosh

i shall sleep soonn

its Easter Sunday tomorrow

I thank God for letting me feel his presence on Friday.... its been a long time..

really hope that all the people that i prayed for will get saved one day.....

but for now, i better act on myself....... shall be a living example ohyes i should stop all my bad habits urgh!!! cos only God can feel this emptiness in me man, really no other replacement can work!

okay ttfn

hahah quick post in 5 minutes ~

long day

2011-04-21T23:44:00.002+08:00
really long day todayyyyy

wah signing into msn and seeing one line of words made me so confused

sigh

too tired to blog ahahha

good friday tomorrow

let everything fall back to ground zero, right back to the day Jesus gave it all for us.

pray? yes, pray.

school blues

2011-04-17T23:53:00.002+08:00

diddn't touch a single morsel of work this weekend

nothing really due tomorrow anyway, perhaps just revision i should do

sian

REALLY SIAN

just 2 days without the maid and the house is in a mess

what do you expect when you have a mum that dosen't cook, wash and clean???? urgh chinese pasta for lunch today was already funny enough.......... gosh how am i gonna survive

and now i'm expected to wash my own shoes :(

i'm supposed to buy 5 sets of every uniform cos there's nobody to iron during weekdays

life without a maid is really terrible

i'm still sick, somehow... stupid flu

urgh diddn't run this weekend cos wasn't feeling well so omg i feel like i just gained 10 kg

i should just sleep

yes, it keeps me from worrying

i'm speaking more and more vulgarities already

ah i should stop

but i feel disconnected from everything

sleep is still the besttttttttt

tiredddd

ask this question again : what's this life for?

:/

chinese oral + jamming

2011-04-16T23:15:00.002+08:00
chinese oral was fine hahahah except the reading part omg fail la hahah

but i practically ran to chen ze hou cos i don't trust the other teachers hehehe plus i always call chen ze hou CHEN ZE HOUUUUU and before he smacks me i will add in 'lao shi' HAHAH and that excatly what i did today hehehe

but my conversation damn short i tell you i like talk for awhile only then he was like enough already!!!! siannn then after me when he ran out of the hall i keep bugging him to tell me my marks then he said 20 plus ^^ HAPPYGAL ALREADY

kk yixuan sending me the videos not but we have a problemmmm the files very huge!!!!

and i sound retarded singing 'la la la '

KILL ME

hahaha WILL POST THE VIDEOS SOON ^^

gr8 day

ONE OF THE BEST DAYS SO FAR

2011-04-15T22:30:00.002+08:00
HAHAH OMG TODAY IS PLAIN......

epic ahhaa

okay its supposed to be a sad story

actually i'm very tired now and i wanna go off to sleep as there's chinese oral tomorrow hahaha no kick la talking is my forte but damn its CHINESE!!!!!

anyway today is CIP day at simei care centre okay let's skip to the main part hahaha

cos most of the girls went out to prepare the food the i was checking out the drums at first yah haha then i went back to the room and keep spinning on the chairs cos damn fun ahhahah

OKAY SKIP SKIP I DAMN TIRED

BUT YAH JESHUA AND DAVID WERE LAUGHING LIKE SOME MAD ASSS COS AFTER 100 YEARS LI NING TOLD ME THEY TOOK MY PHONE AND NOT SOMETHING TO MY DRUMSTICKS AND I DIDDN'T REALISED

MAIN PART IS....

THEY MESSAGED MY COACH

LIKE OMG (HAHHAHAHA)

DEEP SHIT I TELL YOU

I WAS SO WORRIED AND SHOCKED

THAT I CRIED WHILE LAUGHING COS ITS DAMN FUNNY

THEY SMSED HER ' I LOVE MY BANANAS '

IDK TO LAUGH OR CRY MAN SERIOUSLY HAHAHAH SO I DID BOTH

SPASM I TELL YOU

K LAH I REALLY VERY TIRED

CANNOT TAKE IT IM GONNA STOP HERE

1. JESHUA'S PRANK SMS TO COACH
2. LOVELY GIRLS THAT CAME IN, GAVE ME TISSUE AND HUGGED ME COS I WAS CRYING HAHAH
3. LEARNING AND PLAYING BINGO WITH THE PEOPLE THERE
4. GIVING OUT EASTER EGGS LIKE AN EASTER BUNNY
5. ENTHU WITH LIYING OVER THE HOTTEST GUY THERE HAHAHA
6. DAVID'S NON EXISTENT SHUTTLE BUS
7. HAPPY OVER THE MOON THAT THE NUMBER IS NOT IN USED BY COACH!!!! STUPID MANNN WASTE ALL MY WORRIES AND TEARS
8. JESHUA'S KOI TREAT COS HE FELT BAD HAHA
9. DINNER AT KOPITIAM

hahaha that's the main events

and i feel so good doing CIP hahaha like the really awesome feeling its just indescribable... seeing people dancing and singing happily on stage without caring how other's may judge them... the pure smiles of happiness ohmannn where did all of these go in our lives! its good to see the kind and caring side of everybody as well hehe

ohyay i feel more bonded with 3L now hahaha though its just a fraction of us but hahahah all the guailan-ing HAHAH i feel so vulgar already

but omg today is really mad hahha how do you laugh and cry at the same time while feeling scared and while spinning on a chair

wo shi vanessa that's why hahaha

k la all crap but yah just for me to read back next time

tomorrow is hua wen oral.

WISH ME LUCK MAN HAHAHAH AND BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE READING THIS!!!!

fridays are awesome

xx

another day

2011-04-14T21:52:00.003+08:00
its amazing how much crap can happen in a day........ no la not really negative but not very positive either

how about a good long sleep to end the day man!

ohyeah gotta complete my essay on friendship and oh the irony really

over time

things change

status changes

sooner or later

your character changes as well

its hard

to keep things

SANE.

how about a really long sighhhhhhh :/

and nope this has not nothing to do with anything silly

im being rather perfectly serious ohwell

how bout we party the night away heckyeahhhh ~~~

piano day

2011-04-13T22:31:00.002+08:00
well so today its a wednesdayy

i feel accomplished today cos i went for like almost a 2 hour session of piano lesson and then i was so eager to get that freaking last 2 pages right that i practised for another 2 hours till dinner time

almost 4 whole hours of pianooo today hahhaha oh yay really glad at least i can clear all my mad scales like passages now!!! slowly slowly... must practice slowly....... must aim on every note right!!!

i've never been this serious with piano ever before man hahhaah its used to a leisure past time last time

wanted to jam today after school but ohwell not very successful....

so happy that i finally at least can play the song full song slowly now before midyear practical!! ohyes hahahah mozart hahha i got you!!!!

oh and midyears are coming omg..... sighh

gonna study for bio test tomorrow after blogging

you know when you know someone new its like stepping into a new world.. but everyone has their past... bad or good its all there... ohwellz its the future i guess ;) I THINK I'VE GROWN UP LIKE MATURE HAHAHA

okay la hahaha

praying everyday but somehow still not going back deep down enough to connect back to God...... like sunday's sermon kinda spoke to me in a way...... sighh perhaps need some 'me' time to really read the bible and pray! ain't exactly a very good reflector of Christ but i know God has a purpose...... this is quite deep hahaha

you know the only time i'll ever be quiet is when i'm playing the piano hahaahaha really really no joke!!!! even when i'm doing homework i cannot shutup cos i'll either sing along to whatever im listening or i'll pull my rapunzel hair for split ends to pull apart HAHHAHA don't laugh at me but i'll be damn happy when i find one!!!! like what kind of hobby is this right HAHAH i am really gonna chop off my hair soon omg so heavy i tell you!! right now as i'm typing i'm searching for split ends hehe

you know alot of people ask me why my blog so emo hahahah but sorry la whatever i type here is like really me, like my true self and all. and i usually blog late at night so yahhh that's when all my thoughts starts to flow and usually its like more emo???? haahhaha must be the night!!! that's why chopin wrote nocturnes right!!! yes im speaking musically mrs sng would be so happy ;)

okay im tired nowwww i wish all the bio info will just peristalsis into my brain :( :( :(

hahahha kk shall not be lazy!!!

xx

more than words

2011-04-12T22:36:00.000+08:00
can express how i'm feeling............

: )

<3

gr8 saturday

2011-04-09T23:28:00.002+08:00
training in the morning...

piano prac in the afternoon

wtflea @ scape in the evening plus a little dose of bugis street while waiting for steph before flea...

fun fun fun

gosh so tired like really tired!!!

but i'm really happy with my buys hahah i only spent 15.50 on shopping today omg can believe not!!! but damn paiseh i tell you i bargain 1 dollar to 50 cents cos i only left 50 cents hahaha broke kid man seriously hahha but i bought like 5 items today with only 15.50!!!! ohyayy hahah

luv saturdays like these man

but i diddn't do any work today and everybody's studying for midyears already oh wow

the flea fever is coming back!!!! ahhh omg cheap thrills ~

ahaha ok i cannot stand it i need to sleep but i'm waiting for my pics to finish uploading on fb!!!

hahha kk its done gonna catch my sleep now omg i woke at freaking 6.30 AM on a saturday and i needa wake up at 8.30 tomorrow kill me pls

nitex xx world

imma happy girl today aahhahaha, ;) :) :)

a good week

2011-04-08T23:04:00.002+08:00
another week just flew past againnnn...

well its been fast like really fast! its been a fruitful week i should say... yeahh

this week's a little better than other weeks hahaha was so high and hyped during the last period of the day even ms ng punished me ahhahaha was so bored in class omg till i stand up and refused to sit down cos i would fall alseep so i decided to sweep the floor but after sweeping i got nothing to do and i dont want write some personal recount.. so sian lor!!!!

hahaahaha so i decided to play the 'za' game HAHAH you know the primary sch one where got like human, stone and gun LOL damn fun i tell you i was so happy that i won jeshua when i killed him at once then i jumped up hahhaha and did the OHYES thing hahaha .. then ms ng couldn't stand it so i had to move to the other end of the class where i train with jay there hahahah. oh and before that super funny i tell you cos i was playing with benjamin then ms ng only scold him hahahah and she call me and jeshua idiots cos we couldn't repeat what rye said HAHAHAH

okay that's about it this is for me to read like 5 years later and remember the times ;)

been having flu, sorethroat and fever all at once this week... terrible i tell you hahaha

and there's training tomorrow morning though its a saturdayyyy sighhh really wanted to sleep in :(

heard this song by taeyeon - 'if' and decided to search on the piano score and was playing it a 10 ++ PM just now hahahah hope the neighbours don't starts throwing eggs at me... i don't like kpop but hahhaha this song really not bad, summarizes all my complicated feelings in this week all at once hahaah why i so emo sometimes ahhh its really a sad song though... but beautiful

and todayyyy crashed 3C's CIP hahhah cos it was miss hew or 3E's mr lim so dosen't matter plus i duo duo yi shan can go heaven you know ^^ and still got CIP points ahahha feels good doing good!!!! then after that we cabbed back to sch from st andrew's care centre to catch the junior's match haha ms hew drove us to KNC!!

so yeah went to school like 3 times today!!! amazing huh

midyears are coming... needa work harder

sometimes im so complicated till i can't understand myself sighhhh why ah vanessa what's wrong with you seriouslyyyyy why so childishh and yet why so mature???

confusing much

ANYWAY YAY GOING FOR WHATTHEFLEA AFTER TRAINING TOMORROW OMGG YAY ALL THE GOOD CHEAP BUYS ^^ CAN'T WAIT!!!!

hopefully i recover soon so i can stop sniffing ohyes

its really been a good week ;) shan't elaborate further hahahah

no point since i really can't keep my mouth shut so rumors spread like burning fire omggg but the truth is with me ;) ;) HAHHAHA mysterious huh

aiyah don't want bother so much laaaa its not the right time!!!!! let nature runs its course cos its too confusing

have a good weekendddddddd ITS FRIDAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lotsaluv xxxxxxx

failureeee

2011-04-05T23:05:00.002+08:00

wish my mother would stop nagging and giving negative comments on me everytime i know i ain't putting in my very best efforts in all my subjects now and my attitude sucks blahblah thanks to whatever mrs sng told you bleh blehhhh ahh whateverrr okay my theory sucks major i can't even pass a freakingggg test with a good mark and heck okay fine my practical's not good enough despite all the practice everyday and heck i do practice slowly okay....... like slow no matter how annoying it is...... and yah my composition's the worst among the 4 yeah okay its okay really

its only the interest that keeps me going else i can't foresee how i keep trying to do better the next time while getting disappointed again and again

first its netball, now music??? yeah my life's a joke,really.... sorry that i missed 3/4 of training today... was practising duet with pc cos exam's in 2 weeks...... can already foresee no matter how much effort i put in also won't get me very far... sigh what's wrong with me really music is really no big deal or whatsoever..... but man all the effort seems to be going down the drain... do you know how i feel???? even if i placed most of my concentration on music but man look at my grade... dosen't reflect??? idk how to explain as well.......

and you know what's the irony..... been listening to yiruma for the whole night already and its mostly instrumental and piano..... and to think i was so sick of the piano after all the time playing the duet today....... some pieces really captures my emotions well and i'm learning the subject oh wowww

i seriously very amazed by what jz played todayyyyy.... eye opener man.... imagine the hardwork and dedication put in.... wish i could do the same without getting demoralised halfway like now!!!! love the passion in the music, really gotta enjoy what you play man!

sighh i should really start studying even harder though its an improvement from last term... and yeah maybe should improve on my attitude further towards the subjects im not inclined in...

man its gonna be a tough year... wonder how i'll pull through it...

this is one of the emo nights i guess haha, with low self esteemmmmm

i can do better, im vanessaaaa you know

tomorrow would be a brand new day and knowing me..... what i typed today will be forgotten tomorrow ;)

its really not the right time to experiment again.... whatever i say everything is on impulse hahah cos i really cannot keep my mouth shut cos i have something exciting i need to let the whole world know....... from langkawi to the india ocean hahahah

guess i'm unique like this

but yes i can be more hardworing

and not be defeated!!!!

YES!!!!!! (with the pumping sign)

hahah jeshua and benjamin can laugh at me for all they want pfffft

kk gonna sleep now

nitex xxx

<3

champion

2011-04-04T23:46:00.002+08:00

perhaps its just the sore gut of knowing that you did your best, but still not good enough

seems like i just can't excel in anything now

can i just say that i felt very very very disappointed today, though i don't show much of it but heck yeah i was so close to tears but held on........

sigh why

its okay breathe in MOVE ON........ GOD HAS SOMETHING BETTER

ERMM........ DON'T GIVE UP????

yeah that's the way........ problem is, i don't sound very convinced myself

focus vanessa, focus..........

xx

if i could

2011-04-02T23:10:00.003+08:00

man you know if i could, i would pull you outta your dark hole, make you smile, even if its means embarrassing myself (no i'm not really serious )

and let you know that i'm happy to have you, probably one of the best things that could ever happen <3

ahhahha irony is that we'll never be that close!

okay LOL ignore me pls, how i damn sad all the supre items i want all OOS :( :( :( this weekend like 1USD like wthhhh how cheap is that!!!!!!!!! AHH I WANNA GO SHOPPING SOON AND GET ON A HOLIDAYYYY

p.s// wonder if love has taken too much of a toll on us to result in us being such cowards..
gosh i'm going mad but okay okay can you just be more positive? sigh mixed feelings xx

okay this post is much of a ............ joke.

probably.

xx

^^

2011-03-30T22:37:00.002+08:00
gosh im blogging so frequently now ahaha

anyway today has to be one of the most dead days in school so far.... only had like 3-4 hours of sleep last night cos i couldn't sleep thanks to that composition that i was stressing over omg hahah epic right something's wrong with me

feels like i have 10001 things to complete! skipped chem remedial cos i really wanted to get home and just finalize that damn composition for once and for all!!!! added in the accompaniment and heck yeahhhh I'M SO PROUD OF MY WORK ^^ even my piano teacher said it was good hahhaha!!! yes im so happy like finally!!!!!!!

okay i'm really tired now hahaha need a good long sleep plus i went out for a swim with my sis after piano so i'm really quite dead now ahhha

math, biology, and chinese to complete by this week.... man that's alot actually since there's alot to do for each subject......

copy chapt 6-8 everything 10 times for chinese + chengyu 181-210 everything 3 times.
math holiday assignment plus the 2 new WS
biology TYS 1-4 on exercise book

kk just reminding myself

tomorrow's gonna be a better day... such a stressful one today till after evening ~

time for a good sleep after so long oh yes

xx

omg just let me rant for abit i'm going mad

2011-03-29T23:44:00.002+08:00

hello to everyone's existing HELLO

omg this really sucks i'm feeling so frustrated and vexed over the composition. its like the right note must stress with lyrics, else there's no point. it can't be any flowing melody or anything relaxing!!!! hate it hate it

i did mine in ternary form A B A

started off in A MAJOR modulated to C MAJOR and idk how on earth the music and lyrics made me modulate to F major unknowingly till i realised i had a BFLAT appearing in the last 2 bars of B.

AND NOW I'M IN A CRISIS. HOW ON EARTH AM I GONNA RETURN TO MY ORIGINAL KEY??? like F major to A major??? circle of fifths?? man its gonna take idk how many bars :( okay another choice is i cancel out my F MAJOR which i have no idea how and let my B section be purely C MAJOR, cos actually i ended my section B in a interrupted F MAJOR cadence.

seriously can't stand how there's are so many rules in music.... urgh im so constricted i think i can die!!!!!

how this is like my mid year composition and i really wanna take higher music next year!!! no matter how much time i have to take to practice or learn my theory omg I AM LIKE WILLING TO PUT IN THE EFFORT!!!! wow much right! i really need a breather man

im so glad of myself cos i've been putting in the effort to study, like really focus and all. and i feel so bad to mr lim cos i can't hand in his work on time again :( so many deadlines to reach but yet he's such a nice teacher!!! ohman

i really wanna close my eyes and sleep now REALLY WANNNAAAAAA

but then i think of how i haven't written out my score with the precise rhythm and thinking of mrs sng's comments when i show it to her tomorrow........ ohman i really put in alot of effort into this you know :( although maybe it dosen't really seems like but its kinda still like my virgin attempts with composing and being rather clueless about the rules of composing like modulations, extended cadences blah blah...

i still in the midst of grade 5 theory omg how slow right i know :( i wonder will the effort and time i spend on music will even pay off man :(

OHYAH I STILL NEED TO DO THE ENGLISH SPEECH BY TONIGHT.... ITS 11.57PM NOW :( why i so fail one..... i spent like 1 hour finishing the composition thinking that its easy to change back to A major but now i know..... :(

how do people even finish it so fast! i would seriously learn amaths now!!!! okay i really need to work on my speech soon but kk just let me clear this memory from my brain first

man hardly even have time to catch my breath when i'm on the right track.... finally the stress of everything is catching up on me!!!!!!! gosh gosh gosh maybe i should stop whining???? no time for other things man its all about EDUCATION DREAMS AND PASSION. no love no love no love!!!!!!!

okay i really cross my fingers for my composition. why am i such a rebel, why can't i do things the normal way!!!! swear i'll just be so frustrated that i'll crush it up and cry man!!! can already like foresee that! but hopefully not omg pls no i'm not such a weakling right

LET THURSDAY BE OVER QUICK
yeah and there's a music test on friday and its between that split seconds of listening to determine if you'll get the answer!!! its like listening compre, you can't study for it!!!

Dear God you know my effort right although its like really going no where and you know my personality and character so everything thing will just end up doing greater good for Your glory righttt!!!!

okay i should really stop worrying, gets me no where.

TIME TO FINISH UP MY WORKKKKKKK IM SO TIRED :(

cya world ~ to anyone reading this, be thankful that you took amaths THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE RARE TIMES I'LL SAYYYY IT

xxxx wish me luck xxxxxxxx

:-*

2011-03-27T00:28:00.002+08:00

i think i'll cry if i don't finish my piano composition tonight!!! sigh

hahahha

i think im in love

oh no not again

its infatuation

while it lasts

oh such a torturing process

i think i'll just play fantasia by mozart for now.... since i'm halfway through with it...

hopefully i'll be able to master this by the end of year and use it as my piece :)

this is instant love as well!

heard both if this pieces during the piano masterclass and mannnnn among all the other pieces i've been searching up on... i still prefer these two ;) i love romantic music ahhaha die hard romantic over here what to do! actually i appreciate expressive and lyrical tunes more hahaha can relate to them better :)

as for the composition i think im going mad.... i keep procrastinating it cause i wanna do really well for it but in the end i'm not really going anywhere! haven't even started on the accompaniment.... so i keep delaying my plans! die i'm starting to be a perfectionist oh no this can't be happening its so not me :(

motivation come on RESULTS OH YES!!!!

its 12.40 doubt i'll be able to sleep anyway

i feel like picking up a guitar and sing my fingers are itchy!!!

so i think i'll keep typing....... actually its not really infatuation or anything its just that warm fuzzy feeling that you see someone hahaha probably just happy i guess :) this world is too complicated!!! i should just start acting cool again OH YES!!!

mmm im hugging my pillow now feels so comfy but the music i'm listening to now ain't helping....hahhaha its making me feel so dreamy about so many things...

i realise i become quieter at night..... like really hahah

i wanna create my own youtube channel soon and post my stuff there hahahah and maybe collaborations :) sounds fun huh.. but nah i just wanna have fun doing what i like and not trying to be the best out there or to claim that i have a talent which i don't ~ i just have an interest! ;)

maybe i should talk less and listen more

okay im getting back to work,

nitex world xx

lazy friday

2011-03-25T23:23:00.002+08:00
today has gotta be one of the days where i feel like i'm living in my own world... never felt so lonely man! guess that's for pushing all the unwanted stuff away.......

everybody's busy with everything and friday is like my only free day!!!!!!! sch end at 1.15 summore!!!!! every single human is occupied so what to do?????? even if i go out myself also dun know what to do so i went home. and watched HIMYM, slept for a very long time, had a piano jam (Y), played the guitar, talked on the phone with steph.....

sigh then my composition still not done...... cos by the time i wanna get started on the piano already 9.30 and by the time i wanna continuing writing already 10 plus then people wanna sleep..... what to do!

i should went out for a run, swim whateverrrrrr, i feel like some rotting apple now sigh :(
oh and i should have get started on my work!!!! like holiday homework....... overdued. why am i so lazy and why do i waste my time so much!!!!!!!!

anyway school today was as usual just that i was so damn tired cos had less than 5 hours of sleep :( hahaha but luv the usual people and the stupid jokes we said to cheer stacy up hahah! hahah and something rather LOL happened in class today ahahhaahah

list of things to do tomorrow TO REMIND MYSELF :

- go for swim with steph
- finish piano composition by afternoon, call teacher, hand in by night
- search for new solo piece (find scores on IMSLP/esplanade library)
- return library books
- start on my holiday work
- go for a run!!!

okay that's rather alot.......... thankfully training's cancelled yay!!!

and i'll be getting my IC soon so i can start my own bank account and set up my selling journal! do support okay all very cheap one just wanna clear!!!!!!!

i feel like a 70 year old retired man today

why so lifeless!!!!!

AHHHHH

xx

strings concert - journey

2011-03-24T23:26:00.002+08:00
sigh sucha a long day! just back home after the string orchestra concert at esplanade ;)

not bad i guess.... really can tell the difference between the lower and upper strings now the different types of playing!

had a hardworking day at school....... did my gong han in 30 minutes!!!!!! yes im so happy

i feel bad for complaining about something, but its like..... how. i don't wanna see my effort go to waste..... plus who knew that we're actually supposed to pick either secondo or primo in the end... but i've already painstakingly learnt both!!! sigh and nope, i dun wanna find a new partner cos i believe in you la..... dun disappoint me can :( work harder for music we can do it!!!!! as much as i dislike playing bach inventions and other fingerworks pieces, but comeon its gonna do you good!!!! pls pls pls a few more weeks left..... my duet is a thousand times better than my solo piece... still deciding on what to play else i'll just go back to my fantasia - mozart.

sometimes i wonder.... a simple piece or arrangement of music..... could spread its word around the world... pretty amazing... must be the magic beneath.

sigh been pretty confused these few days. what do i strike others as????? must be infatuation again sigh vanessa not again.. you need to learn!!!!!! nah cannot be cannot be! true love at 15??? sounds like a joke already come on vanessa....... happy times like these don't last, don't fall again like the past!!

man i miss someone being really close to me... who see through my smiles, someone who knows me really well..... guess we're all human after all and we all have our flaws... just kinda miss the old feeling again.... like a kind of emptiness why oh why.... anyway friends are enough!!!

maybe the reason why i'm so open when i like someone is because i don't believe in love anymore........ everything seems like a joke, a cruel one.

funny huh, with that coming from me....

but guess this is how i really feel deep down...

xx tmr's friday! no plans no remedial(OHYES)

p.s// just to share something..... just now on the way home to pasir ris was talking to yixuan, told him i wasn't in team this year.... first thing responded was like ' cos you slack ma' sighhhh is this really what everybody thinks? true i admit after i concluded that with the tension between me and my coach i wasn't gonna get into team, i slacked... i skip trainings, went for attendance purely. idk what im feeling anw... where did the old me go? who went to school for trainings only? just wanna say that...... till the day i fully lose passion and don't give a damn anymore to this 7 girls team game, i am not a slacker............ xx peace.

if we're fated...... then its beyond control ;)