dying under pressure

pressure. pressure. pressure.

this is worst than school, feel my joy for the holidays :(
training's really sucking all the energy outta me, mentally and physically. going back in the heavy rain on monday to shoot....... alone sigh :( and then finally when all my shots are going in perfectly, i don't play shooter the next training. seems like all my effort has gone to waste. every single day has to pass with me doing my shots... the thing is, i really don't mind doing it... but thing is, what for? when prolly i won't be the main shooter or wtv. this mental torture is killing me..... esp when i have alot of things to do... and then i have the dilemma of to shoot or not to shoot. really hate it how im so good on one training and when i don't get to play consistently for the next and get put out, my confidence level really drops and everything goes down. even the mood of the next training... plus not to mention sleepless nights. training is intense, mentally torturing.......... just gotta grit my teeth through it and emerge winning!

been rather long since i've blogged... cos i've been spending every single day wisely now. so much to do... plus i won't be going anywhere for the holidays, esp when i kinda need one right now. i want to get away so bad. someone far and foreign..... this stress here is killing me. its supposed to be the holidays. so much to do.. 2 major music exams next year! plus its the o level year and currently im failing all my math and sciences which is like 3 subjects! im terrified yes, fighting for good results. i can't slack anymore like this year in studies, this is the real deal now. so much to catch up... where am i gonna find the time to practise for accompaniment for music? and since i'm gonna take higher music.. i really need all the practise time i can get! people take 2 years to go for grade 8, i'm using less than a year and with so many commitments... im hoping i can do it. cos i don't want a merit or pass, i want a distinction. its only been like a few months since i've really made myself play classically with all the right techniques.. and its taking me alot of patience but i'm glad im on my way there.

sigh no one really understands.... im really not slacking or anything anymore... i study on days when there are no trainings... practise the piano properly everyday... and shoot everyday. im not really having fun, im stressed. so much to do.... so much more scales to memorise... and getting the right touch and style for my pieces.. and the sticking to the fingerings URGH. not to mention learning a whole year worth of chem, and memorising for bio, and practising for emath.

i see all my classmates and friends enjoying themselves during the holidays... and sigh i see myself slogging everyday to complete what i need to do. why train so hard? to get fit? or does what medal really counts? i don't know i think i've lost my purpose. prolly 10 years later i'll look back and laugh at myself. i came in through DSA so its only right that i train and play for the school. passion? maybe slightly. i love the game.. but i really hate it when im demoralise, even in the slightest! imagine doing a whole day of shots, and in the game it all dosen't gets in and you get scolded. sigh.

everyone's blogging about stuff like fashion and stuff they have been up do.. but my schedule's been really dry.. always the usual stuff! so carefree and like sleeping in every morning, watching shows....... i also wanna. it really scares me when i see how time flies in a day...

but i believe my all my effort will pay off, i will be a better person!

if i have a wish right now.............. i wish that i could have a day off to go somewhere anywhere but in sg most likely ( cos i have to come back for trainings so i can't go overseas) and have a total eventful surprising day! lose contact with so many people now but its ok, i just need those that really matters....... and no more time for games anyway. not even a starter cos i need to take charge of my life now..

im still surviving :)